Maturity.

Here I am.

I've been saying this and I'll keep saying it.
My spiritual walk is a struggle.
It has been since the year 2007 commenced, and it will continue to be as the Lord molds me. I'm finding myself no longer running from the fight that is the spiritual walk, but I'm trying to fight it by God's grace, and not my own strength.
Seriously, I feel weaker at this very second than I ever have in my whole entire life. So ashamed, scared, broken...robbed even, but that's grace.
You know?
God can't make us any better until we're entirely stripped of all pride and maybe even dignity. I am. Right now, I am.
I'm poor. I've got nothing.

As I was kind of hiding in my shame and weakness today, I felt God say something softly, harshly, yet lovingly to me:

"You can't buy maturity. You can't even earn it. I take you there."

And that broke me down. BROKE. ME. DOWN.

Because when I think of "the way things were," I think of maturity. I think of the leader.

But leaders aren't people who earn God's trust and approval (read that one over and over,)
LEADERS ARE CHOSEN BY THE LORD.
If you're not a leader, then don't try to be one. If you are one, ask God to give you strength to lead well.

Galatians 6:3-5

3 For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself.

4 But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another.

5 For every man shall bear his own burden.

That's me. I'm nothing. In my flesh, my own works, I'm poor. I need Jesus, I believe, more right now than I ever have, probably more than when I first got saved. I really wish I had it all figured out and could throw the Bible at any and every situation, and be like Paul and do it with a pure, clean, ready, serving heart, but I cannot. I am weak and poor.

but praise God that in our weakness He is made strong, and He proves to us that He's worth it.