My mother bought me "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge on cassette (yeah, I know, old school.) But anyways, I listen to it quite often (there's a cassette player in the van I drive, man I'm cool.) and over and over, the truths resonate deeper and deeper into my heart.
This time around, it stuck out to me when he was talking about when Jesus said,
"Those who try to save their lives will lose them, and those who lose their lives for Me and for the gospel will find it."
This hit me directly this time.
It finally occured to me that everything I've tried has been an effort to simply gain control.
I've tried watching movies and reading books, going to conferences and hanging out with certain people, journaling even, has been an attempt on my part to simply gain control of my life, and especially of my faith.
Which, to the untrained eye, that is a valiant thing. I prayed over and over, "Lord, You know my heart." But not only did He know my heart, He knew my intentions and my methods. I wanted instantaneous joy, I wanted strength, I wanted satisfaction. Which, still, I don't think are bad things to want. But I wanted God to fix it NOW. I didn't want to have to work or surrender. I wanted to stand there and let God serve me.
But that scripture resonated in me strongly, that I need to give up control.
God is inviting me to surrender. And in the deepest part of my heart I know that that must be beautiful, or else it wouldn't be so hard to fight for. It has to be better than it sounds.
You know, God made us, and He knows that we don't like to work without reward. So fortunately, He rewards us with, if nothing else, joy. He makes us happy. So I'm here on the precipice of letting go, and I know there's something greater. An invitation to life, to surrender, and to become God's intimate ally.
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