Sooo...the past few weeks have been odd. I feel like my gears are grinding incorrectly, if that analogy is correct. I've been trying to go hard after God, but there are things in my heart that are keeping me from doing so. I have dealt with lust almost non-stop for the past month, really, and I've been dealing with this sense of entitlement...like I have some sort of right to say who's wrong and who's right. I have woken up in the morning feeling like I'm God's enemy, because I have a tendancy to critique people and their ministries and such. Because of the lust, there are days when I see myself as nothing but a creep and a pervert. I have tried so hard to study scripture like Romans 7 where Paul talks about him not doing what he wants to do and doing what he doesn't want to do, etc...Jesus' talks about rest and forgiveness...but it's like trying to beat through this thick steel door. I've gotten nowhere.
And I know that part of the issue at hand is a trust issue...remember Adam and Eve in the garden? Many people who do a study on that passage say that the core issue that the serpent was bringing up was this: "Is God who He says He is, and is He to be trusted?" That's the core question coming up here, too. I believe God is who He says He is, but I think the issue lies in how much I trust (or don't trust) Him. I think the unspoken mindset I have is that whenever God pulls something out of my heart, that I'll become a robot. I'll get all stoked about scripture that I don't even understand, I'll get all insensitive, etc. One of the things that I am very serious about is being sensitive to people. Like, knowing what they go through. Knowing the pain and fear of lonliness, basically, understanding what humans experience. I think that without sensitivity, the church is ineffective and brainwashes people. And what makes me think that the same God who rejoices when one of His lost sheep is found, who mourns when His people turn away, how can I think that insensitivity is part of His plan for His church? I couldn't exactly tell you.
But I'm tired of wrestling with God about what kind of man He wants me to be. I'm so tired of it. because it gives me those feelings like I'm His enemy, or not on His side, etc. uggggggggh.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
training wheels.
I keep looking at that "problem of perfection" blog of mind and it kind of bothers me. Well, really doesn't concern me, kind of makes me laugh. When you think about it, we won't be perfect until we get to heaven. I mean seriously.
And I've really come to learn that it's not our actions and behaviors, habits, practices, and whatnot that gets us to a place of "perfection," also known as righteousness. The gospel is not about us accepting Jesus as our Lord and Savior, and Him leaving us alone to do our own thing, trying to do His thing. He doesn't ask us to advance His Kingdom with Him not the ruling King. Think of it this way.
A young boy gets a bicycle for Christmas. It's a nice, expensive, versatile mountain bike, but it's too big for him, and there are no training wheels.
What kind of gift is that? Now, on the other hand, another young boy gets a bike small enough for him to ride, and, it has training wheels. Ohhhh yeah. Now we're in business.
Jesus said, "Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?"
(Matthew 7:7-11, The Message)
The point I'm trying to make is that we really do not have to rely on our strength, merit, etc. Jesus has enough strength for us when we're weak, He has grace when we fail, He is faithful when we are absolutely faithless.
You don't have to depend on yourself to engage in meaningful worship, to study the word. You put yourself out there, and you won't be disappointed.
"But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him."
Hebrews 11:6. That's a promise of God. Stand on that promise.
And I've really come to learn that it's not our actions and behaviors, habits, practices, and whatnot that gets us to a place of "perfection," also known as righteousness. The gospel is not about us accepting Jesus as our Lord and Savior, and Him leaving us alone to do our own thing, trying to do His thing. He doesn't ask us to advance His Kingdom with Him not the ruling King. Think of it this way.
A young boy gets a bicycle for Christmas. It's a nice, expensive, versatile mountain bike, but it's too big for him, and there are no training wheels.
What kind of gift is that? Now, on the other hand, another young boy gets a bike small enough for him to ride, and, it has training wheels. Ohhhh yeah. Now we're in business.
Jesus said, "Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?"
(Matthew 7:7-11, The Message)
The point I'm trying to make is that we really do not have to rely on our strength, merit, etc. Jesus has enough strength for us when we're weak, He has grace when we fail, He is faithful when we are absolutely faithless.
You don't have to depend on yourself to engage in meaningful worship, to study the word. You put yourself out there, and you won't be disappointed.
"But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him."
Hebrews 11:6. That's a promise of God. Stand on that promise.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
The sound of silence.
Ecclesiastes 5:1-5 is beginning to go down as one of my favorite passages of scripture...
1 Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong.
I love this passage so much because there seems to be so much pressure in the church to always have something to say. Something encouraging, something prophetic, a Bible verse to share, anything. And sometimes (in my case, usually) we don't. There's nothing we can say. There's nothing we have to say.
I love that first verse...Go near to listen rather than to sacrifice...while worship is such an important part of our lives as believers, the best, richest thing is to learn. David, a true worshipper after God's own heart, would say to God, "Teach me Your ways." (Psalm 25:4) I daresay David was the master of this art, because while so often he says, "praise the Lord, all your people! Laud Him, etc.." he gets down to business and says, "Lord, teach me Your ways."
That, I firmly believe, should be the cry of all worshippers' (and in that, all believers, given we're all worshippers :) ) hearts. Because since worship begins with God, we can't possibly worship until God teaches us something about Himself--worship is a response. Worship is a response to who God is, and we know who God is through two ways--the Bible, and Jesus. The Bible teaches us what God has done, and Jesus teaches us who God is through His life. That is the initiator of true worship.
1 Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong.
2 Do not be quick with your mouth,
do not be hasty in your heart
to utter anything before God.
God is in heaven
and you are on earth,
so let your words be few.
3 As a dream comes when there are many cares,
so the speech of a fool when there are many words.
I love this passage so much because there seems to be so much pressure in the church to always have something to say. Something encouraging, something prophetic, a Bible verse to share, anything. And sometimes (in my case, usually) we don't. There's nothing we can say. There's nothing we have to say.
I love that first verse...Go near to listen rather than to sacrifice...while worship is such an important part of our lives as believers, the best, richest thing is to learn. David, a true worshipper after God's own heart, would say to God, "Teach me Your ways." (Psalm 25:4) I daresay David was the master of this art, because while so often he says, "praise the Lord, all your people! Laud Him, etc.." he gets down to business and says, "Lord, teach me Your ways."
That, I firmly believe, should be the cry of all worshippers' (and in that, all believers, given we're all worshippers :) ) hearts. Because since worship begins with God, we can't possibly worship until God teaches us something about Himself--worship is a response. Worship is a response to who God is, and we know who God is through two ways--the Bible, and Jesus. The Bible teaches us what God has done, and Jesus teaches us who God is through His life. That is the initiator of true worship.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
It's been a while. It's been a long while.
I just looked at my last blog and I was thinking about how I'm slowly but surely working to overcome that, I'm not afraid of being strong because I know it's necessary later on in life.
I picked up the book "No More Christian Nice Guy" by Paul Coughlin, and the subheading (or whatever you call the description of the book on the cover) is "when being nice, instead of good, hurts men, women, and children." And this book has conveyed an idea that seems so foreign to the minds of Americans and especially Christians: Christian men should have a backbone. What?!
It has changed (and is still changing) my perspective on things like standing up for the truth, and what is right.
I remember always viewing the concept of standing up for Jesus as something like a girlfriend standing up for their boyfriend, not really able to do anything, hoping for the best, but being confident that their boyfriend can hold their own and knowing he's in the right.
But since I've been to the men's retreat, and have been reading this book, standing up for Christ seems more like standing up for a Brother, and a Friend. A mindset more like, "He never backed down for me and my needs, so I'm not going to back down for His standards, and how He wants me to live."
And my view of Jesus has changed. I always thought of Jesus as soft and tender, maybe a little on the wild side, but not much. But it has finally occured to me that Jesus had (and has) a backbone. He didn't back down from hypocrites. He didn't tiptoe around subjects. He wasn't scared to step on anyone's toes. He didn't apologize for offending people, but said woe to those who He offended.
But to expand on something earlier said: being strong is necessary for living our lives. If I am married one day (and even if not,) I'm going to need to be strong in order to:
-Stay faithful to God
-Stay faithful to my wife
-Honor my friends' wives
-Lead where God has me in a position of leadership
-Be a steward of what God has given to me
It's not good to go through life without a backbone, and I feel like I sound like a radical and I'm really not, but I have to draw the line. Strength is not bad.
I kinda lost my train of thought, so let me write later.
I just looked at my last blog and I was thinking about how I'm slowly but surely working to overcome that, I'm not afraid of being strong because I know it's necessary later on in life.
I picked up the book "No More Christian Nice Guy" by Paul Coughlin, and the subheading (or whatever you call the description of the book on the cover) is "when being nice, instead of good, hurts men, women, and children." And this book has conveyed an idea that seems so foreign to the minds of Americans and especially Christians: Christian men should have a backbone. What?!
It has changed (and is still changing) my perspective on things like standing up for the truth, and what is right.
I remember always viewing the concept of standing up for Jesus as something like a girlfriend standing up for their boyfriend, not really able to do anything, hoping for the best, but being confident that their boyfriend can hold their own and knowing he's in the right.
But since I've been to the men's retreat, and have been reading this book, standing up for Christ seems more like standing up for a Brother, and a Friend. A mindset more like, "He never backed down for me and my needs, so I'm not going to back down for His standards, and how He wants me to live."
And my view of Jesus has changed. I always thought of Jesus as soft and tender, maybe a little on the wild side, but not much. But it has finally occured to me that Jesus had (and has) a backbone. He didn't back down from hypocrites. He didn't tiptoe around subjects. He wasn't scared to step on anyone's toes. He didn't apologize for offending people, but said woe to those who He offended.
But to expand on something earlier said: being strong is necessary for living our lives. If I am married one day (and even if not,) I'm going to need to be strong in order to:
-Stay faithful to God
-Stay faithful to my wife
-Honor my friends' wives
-Lead where God has me in a position of leadership
-Be a steward of what God has given to me
It's not good to go through life without a backbone, and I feel like I sound like a radical and I'm really not, but I have to draw the line. Strength is not bad.
I kinda lost my train of thought, so let me write later.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
The problem of perfection...
DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure that somewhere along this discussion, my thoughts or outlook or opinion is wrong. But, these are my thoughts, outlooks, and opinions as of currently. Don't take them as entirely valid.
My room just got a makeover. We stripped the carpet, took out the fan blades, moved ALL my crap out of it, and we repainted it and got new carpet. Now we're working on moving everything back in and I'm working on keeping it neat and clean, although it poses a problem: what fun is that?
Life will get boring if it's constantly clean. I mean, I'll never appreciate the work I've put forth, and I'll never be able to relax because I'm constantly trying to keep it clean. I mean, yeah, I don't want to have it messy 24/7, but...I hope you get my point.
That's the way I feel about my walk with God. Let me (try to) explain.
I'm uptight in the sense that I don't want to do anything to make bad the name of Jesus. I don't want to be the type of person who is so daggone holy that I don't understand anyone's pain. I don't want to be the type of Christian who people hate because they just don't care.
Now I'll be honest, I don't make a point to go up and talk to people, which is probably bad...but (and I know it probably sounds cheap, I'm starting to feel the same) I try to let my life do the talking. Maybe it's more of a witness than I know to be honest when I'm having a great day and a bad. Maybe it's unprogressive. And maybe it's selfish, but I'm happy that way.
I'm happy when I know I have flaws as a person, and I know I could never do anything or go anywhere without Jesus. But at the same time, I have so many bad days and I definitely deal with beating myself up over stuff.
It makes the good days so amazing, and the bad days absolutely horrendous.
And I feel like I leave so much stuff out like prophecy and fasting and intercession, and I feel like I bum myself out of those by saying "I don't feel it. I don't feel led to do that." which is true, but I feel like I'm lesser.
On an ending note, some days I think I should step back and live my life and not be so anxious about things, stop worrying about my life. But there again is the worry of becoming lazy...
My room just got a makeover. We stripped the carpet, took out the fan blades, moved ALL my crap out of it, and we repainted it and got new carpet. Now we're working on moving everything back in and I'm working on keeping it neat and clean, although it poses a problem: what fun is that?
Life will get boring if it's constantly clean. I mean, I'll never appreciate the work I've put forth, and I'll never be able to relax because I'm constantly trying to keep it clean. I mean, yeah, I don't want to have it messy 24/7, but...I hope you get my point.
That's the way I feel about my walk with God. Let me (try to) explain.
I'm uptight in the sense that I don't want to do anything to make bad the name of Jesus. I don't want to be the type of person who is so daggone holy that I don't understand anyone's pain. I don't want to be the type of Christian who people hate because they just don't care.
Now I'll be honest, I don't make a point to go up and talk to people, which is probably bad...but (and I know it probably sounds cheap, I'm starting to feel the same) I try to let my life do the talking. Maybe it's more of a witness than I know to be honest when I'm having a great day and a bad. Maybe it's unprogressive. And maybe it's selfish, but I'm happy that way.
I'm happy when I know I have flaws as a person, and I know I could never do anything or go anywhere without Jesus. But at the same time, I have so many bad days and I definitely deal with beating myself up over stuff.
It makes the good days so amazing, and the bad days absolutely horrendous.
And I feel like I leave so much stuff out like prophecy and fasting and intercession, and I feel like I bum myself out of those by saying "I don't feel it. I don't feel led to do that." which is true, but I feel like I'm lesser.
On an ending note, some days I think I should step back and live my life and not be so anxious about things, stop worrying about my life. But there again is the worry of becoming lazy...
Saturday, March 28, 2009
What the world thinks is manliness...
Wow, it's been a while since I wrote here!
Lots of stuff has happened since the last time, good stuff and bad, but God is good through it ALL.
I worked today with some people from my old McDonalds...and it got me thinking about how I hated it and why I hated it...basically, I was a girl. And now I'm doing my best to reclaim the essence of masculinity. I was working with my best friend (at work anyway) and we have this tendancy to make crude jokes (I don't enjoy them, but for whatever reason, I follow along) and I thought...'why do I make these jokes? Am I trying to prove I'm manlier than I was? That my sex drive and my sexual thoughts are operational?' and that's when it hit me:
The world's idea of manliness has a lot to do with the masculine sex drive. Seriously. Guys really think a man is a man (or THE man) if he sleeps with the hottest girl, or can hit on them or whatever. The world thinks manliness is about sex.
I'm not claiming to know exactly what manliness is because that is a journey I'm on right now...but I know it's a lot bigger than sex. Just my thoughts for the day.
Lots of stuff has happened since the last time, good stuff and bad, but God is good through it ALL.
I worked today with some people from my old McDonalds...and it got me thinking about how I hated it and why I hated it...basically, I was a girl. And now I'm doing my best to reclaim the essence of masculinity. I was working with my best friend (at work anyway) and we have this tendancy to make crude jokes (I don't enjoy them, but for whatever reason, I follow along) and I thought...'why do I make these jokes? Am I trying to prove I'm manlier than I was? That my sex drive and my sexual thoughts are operational?' and that's when it hit me:
The world's idea of manliness has a lot to do with the masculine sex drive. Seriously. Guys really think a man is a man (or THE man) if he sleeps with the hottest girl, or can hit on them or whatever. The world thinks manliness is about sex.
I'm not claiming to know exactly what manliness is because that is a journey I'm on right now...but I know it's a lot bigger than sex. Just my thoughts for the day.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
The least of these.
Matthew 25:34-40
34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
This verse always seems to be on my mind anymore...the more I learn about worship and the more I learn about managing my money, this verse keeps coming to my mind.
I say worship because the way we treat people is the way we treat Jesus. That's NOT to say that people are Jesus. But the level of respect and honor with which we treat people reflects the way we esteem the Lord.
I am so reminded lately of religion...the Sunday morning suits and the people who abandon the cause of Christ for "The cause of Christ," anything out of the ordinary or anyone who doesn't wear a suit, or any lost person...any of that is keeping them from their focus. It's religion.
I seem to have a million doors opened every day for serving...and I try to run through the thought in my mind that whatever I do, I do to Jesus. Part of it is doing it, the other half is the attitude. You can do your job with a crappy attitude, and it's worthless to Jesus. You gave Him your bad attitude. You can sing and dance during worship music, but if your heart does not remain there when it's done, it's noise in God's ears. A clanging cymbal, Paul says.
But every time someone asks me to get them a case of nuggets, or go bring up gravy, take out the trash, etc, at work, I think, "This is just like Jesus asking me to do it for Him." and it makes it so much more worth it. And as far as the money goes, something cool came up today...(well, half-cool-half-bad) my mom and my two sisters were both sick, and I called on the way home to see if I could get them anything and ended up buying ginger ale, crackers, and chicken noodle soup. I have rarely felt so satisfied in my life. Verse 36: 'I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.' Wow. What a privelige. Serving is really a privelige.
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