mmm...

I'm kind of in a daze as we speak, I just took a nap and I don't do well after naps. It's weird to get up right before I usually go to bed. or at least close. So I'm trying to make this make sense, but forgive me if it doesn't.

It feels like I'm moving into a new season in my walk with God and the transition is really rough. As John Eldredge describes it, God is having to thwart my false self, my plan for salvation, my defense mechanism from pain. I never realized how I had really set up the false self as a defense from pain. I hid in my pleasure, doing what I do, and just losing myself in the evenings to books, my journal, and my movies. I must admit, the pleasure I got from it is heavy, I truly enjoy sitting and watching a movie and journaling, but I think I was more satisfied in the things than in the God giving me the rest.

The other day I really felt God's love in a way I haven't since I was saved. I felt genuinely loved, that He knows all of my struggles and He still loves me despite my doubt and my fear. Like Jesus was beckoning me back to the cross to experience His love in a deeper way.

The thing about feeling God's love is...it seems like I either feel God's love and am oblivious to problems, or I'm feeling problems and can't sense God's love there.

Like, I know where I have come from and what I've been through, but it's like it never happened. I know it didn't, in God's eyes, because Jesus has forgiven me. But I want to be the kind of man who feels the pain of lonliness, who feels the pain of rejection, who understands the pull to different temptations, but through it all understands God's power to change a life. all I can say is that I want to feel, because people need to know that God's people are people, too. They're not people with a halo who have achieved a level of holiness, no, but they are redeemed from a dead past.

Sometimes I think that the reason I have a hard time trusting God sometimes is because of His people. There is a short supply of compassion these days, and I don't want to be counted in the number of those who are missing it. the Bible talks about sharing one anothers burdens, and I want to help bear the burdens of the poor, the lonely, the broken...because Jesus would. And then I know my faith is genuine, because genuine faith always results in doing what Jesus would do.

So my prayer right now is for a genuine, sensitive faith and firm belief that God can do ANYTHING in ANYONE'S life, regardless. I want to share the world's pain, and God's heart for them.