Sooo...the past few weeks have been odd. I feel like my gears are grinding incorrectly, if that analogy is correct. I've been trying to go hard after God, but there are things in my heart that are keeping me from doing so. I have dealt with lust almost non-stop for the past month, really, and I've been dealing with this sense of entitlement...like I have some sort of right to say who's wrong and who's right. I have woken up in the morning feeling like I'm God's enemy, because I have a tendancy to critique people and their ministries and such. Because of the lust, there are days when I see myself as nothing but a creep and a pervert. I have tried so hard to study scripture like Romans 7 where Paul talks about him not doing what he wants to do and doing what he doesn't want to do, etc...Jesus' talks about rest and forgiveness...but it's like trying to beat through this thick steel door. I've gotten nowhere.
And I know that part of the issue at hand is a trust issue...remember Adam and Eve in the garden? Many people who do a study on that passage say that the core issue that the serpent was bringing up was this: "Is God who He says He is, and is He to be trusted?" That's the core question coming up here, too. I believe God is who He says He is, but I think the issue lies in how much I trust (or don't trust) Him. I think the unspoken mindset I have is that whenever God pulls something out of my heart, that I'll become a robot. I'll get all stoked about scripture that I don't even understand, I'll get all insensitive, etc. One of the things that I am very serious about is being sensitive to people. Like, knowing what they go through. Knowing the pain and fear of lonliness, basically, understanding what humans experience. I think that without sensitivity, the church is ineffective and brainwashes people. And what makes me think that the same God who rejoices when one of His lost sheep is found, who mourns when His people turn away, how can I think that insensitivity is part of His plan for His church? I couldn't exactly tell you.
But I'm tired of wrestling with God about what kind of man He wants me to be. I'm so tired of it. because it gives me those feelings like I'm His enemy, or not on His side, etc. uggggggggh.