Long time no write...long time need to write. I think I've almost moved on from journaling, but I guess it's still kinda cool.
Have you ever made a "Lord, change me here" kind of list?
I have one of those. I never really write them down, but it's stuff I keep in my head that sometimes comes up, but usually remains unrepeated and then, without realizing it, God really does it. Stuff like giving me a work ethic...it's usually not a magical moment when all of a sudden I'm entirely different, but something that happens over a few weeks of going to work and class and doing my best and then realizing that's all I can really do.
Anyway, what's on the list right now is something like this, "Lord, change my fear of the future/Lord, change my fear of being someone I'm not."
A good friend of mine and I have talked about stuff we want to do, one of which is to write a movie/TV show, which is actually what I'm going to school for. I am still scared of stereotypes, though...I don't want to JUST be a writer, you know? I am scared of that being what defines me. As Paul says, I don't want to have confidence in the flesh.
I want to be a Christian first and foremost, and a writer second.
Maybe it doesn't make much sense, but oh well.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
I'm having one of those mind-racing days again, some days I get to cleaning the kitchen and when there's no music or television making noise, I just get to thinking.
Last night at the membership class (I finally became a member of the church I've called home for five years now, ha) we got to talking about the core values of the church and one of them (and there was discussion) was moderation in our lives and in worship. How we're not about one person yelling and screaming and wailing (which I really liked talking about, ha) but if we're gonna shout, we all do, and overall we don't want to create an environment belittling (I think the word my pastor used was ostricising or something like that..) anyone who doesn't scream or run or shout all the time.
And then my pastor's wife (who is also considered a/the pastor) talked about how it was kind of a culture shock when she went from being a youth pastor to being a pastor pastor because in youth ministry, everyone is expected to be radical and on fire and stuff, and then to approach this concept of moderation was kind of weird. (that was totally a run-on sentence.)
And that made me smile, because I've been thinking about youth ministry these past few days (I spose it's been about a week, I played at FCA last monday..) and you're telling these young people that they need to stand up for Jesus Christ, and then if they don't get the chance to, they feel bad, because they haven't made some huge impact for Jesus on their culture.
And I was one of those. All through high school, I was trying to do some big stand-up-for-Jesus thing. I have never led one person to Jesus, especially not in high school. And I hate to say it, but high school is nothing like real life so it's kind of hard to imagine doing so.
I mean, I am proof that what we're trying to do in youth ministry isn't exactly working. Well, it's working in the long run. But I mean, the best thing I learned was keep going to church and survive high school, and then the world gets real. But then, at the same time, it's a culture shock. The only thing I could teach young people is 'go to your church, pay attention, and get through high school.' but that's not enough. That's not life.
What I'm trying to say is--how can we REALLY reach youth? How do you REALLY teach them to be like Jesus? How can you preach and teach a very very real gospel to an atmosphere where everything is plastic? It's really something that only God can do. And since I have no idea where to start, I'll just pray.
Last night at the membership class (I finally became a member of the church I've called home for five years now, ha) we got to talking about the core values of the church and one of them (and there was discussion) was moderation in our lives and in worship. How we're not about one person yelling and screaming and wailing (which I really liked talking about, ha) but if we're gonna shout, we all do, and overall we don't want to create an environment belittling (I think the word my pastor used was ostricising or something like that..) anyone who doesn't scream or run or shout all the time.
And then my pastor's wife (who is also considered a/the pastor) talked about how it was kind of a culture shock when she went from being a youth pastor to being a pastor pastor because in youth ministry, everyone is expected to be radical and on fire and stuff, and then to approach this concept of moderation was kind of weird. (that was totally a run-on sentence.)
And that made me smile, because I've been thinking about youth ministry these past few days (I spose it's been about a week, I played at FCA last monday..) and you're telling these young people that they need to stand up for Jesus Christ, and then if they don't get the chance to, they feel bad, because they haven't made some huge impact for Jesus on their culture.
And I was one of those. All through high school, I was trying to do some big stand-up-for-Jesus thing. I have never led one person to Jesus, especially not in high school. And I hate to say it, but high school is nothing like real life so it's kind of hard to imagine doing so.
I mean, I am proof that what we're trying to do in youth ministry isn't exactly working. Well, it's working in the long run. But I mean, the best thing I learned was keep going to church and survive high school, and then the world gets real. But then, at the same time, it's a culture shock. The only thing I could teach young people is 'go to your church, pay attention, and get through high school.' but that's not enough. That's not life.
What I'm trying to say is--how can we REALLY reach youth? How do you REALLY teach them to be like Jesus? How can you preach and teach a very very real gospel to an atmosphere where everything is plastic? It's really something that only God can do. And since I have no idea where to start, I'll just pray.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
If there's one thing I enjoy doing, it's looking back and seeing where I was and where God has brought me. I talked to God majorly about the stuff I talked about in my last blog and I must say, I have had an improved attitude. And it's God who did it. and He did it by Himself. What I mean is that He didn't have to send a book my way or a song (although songs have been getting to me this week..) I believe it was just one of those places where He said, "sure, I'll take that from you. I'll give you more joy in place of the negativity."
And as great as all that is, and it is, I want to say that it's not half as great as the God who has done it. In my world civ class, we've been looking at Mesopotamia and stuff and the issue of religion comes up (not in debate form, but just in review and in study) and something I thought was pretty cool was that in those days, they had gods of everything. gods of harvest and of water, sun, the dead, weather, and whatnot. And I was thinking while my professor was talking about that, "God has all that under control." And the song I've been listening to all week (and I'm so glad we did it this morning at church) is "Praise the Father, Praise the Son" by Chris Tomlin. My favorite is the bridge. It's the last part of the Lord's prayer--Yours is the Kingdom, Yours is the power, Yours is the glory forever.
I guess that's my life lesson this week. Even though I've dealt with sin, even though I've been lonely, God is still in control, and when I can't fight, I can crawl up in my Dad's lap and ask for His help. No matter what, the Kingdom, the power, and the glory are all His. Papa God has got this under control.
And as great as all that is, and it is, I want to say that it's not half as great as the God who has done it. In my world civ class, we've been looking at Mesopotamia and stuff and the issue of religion comes up (not in debate form, but just in review and in study) and something I thought was pretty cool was that in those days, they had gods of everything. gods of harvest and of water, sun, the dead, weather, and whatnot. And I was thinking while my professor was talking about that, "God has all that under control." And the song I've been listening to all week (and I'm so glad we did it this morning at church) is "Praise the Father, Praise the Son" by Chris Tomlin. My favorite is the bridge. It's the last part of the Lord's prayer--Yours is the Kingdom, Yours is the power, Yours is the glory forever.
I guess that's my life lesson this week. Even though I've dealt with sin, even though I've been lonely, God is still in control, and when I can't fight, I can crawl up in my Dad's lap and ask for His help. No matter what, the Kingdom, the power, and the glory are all His. Papa God has got this under control.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
So, I started college on Monday. It was pretty alright. But ever since and all throughout high school, I don't do well in social situations. I suck when it comes to being around people who are more outgoing than I. I am fine around people I know, and whose interests and hearts I know. And because of that, I have a really, really hard time with new people.
And see, that's a problem when you're on a campus with 17,000 students. It just doesn't work.
And I desperately, desperately want to start making new friends and especially plugging into the body of Christ on campus, because I know it will make college so much easier. well, less stressful, anyway. But for whatever reason, I have trust issues. I have trouble believing people's motives are good. I have a hard time believing that half the Christians I meet/hear about are genuine and sincere. And I wish I knew the remedy for that.
I guess I just don't like it when people are always happy. Why? I don't know. I want to be, trust me! But I have trouble around people who are always cheerful. I guess maybe because my life hasn't always been easy. But still, that's no reason to not be happy. That's no reason to be negative. And I've been asking God to teach me how to be happy without being plastic, because that's what I desperately want. I'm tired of being half-happy, 1/4 worried and 1/4 frustrated throughout the week. And I know that the only way I can do that is if Jesus helps me do so...I once heard a man say (roughly) that hope isn't so much a desperate "I really really want this to happen" but instead a confidence in who God is and what He has promised.
Thank God that I am and will remain a work in progress until Jesus calls me home.
And see, that's a problem when you're on a campus with 17,000 students. It just doesn't work.
And I desperately, desperately want to start making new friends and especially plugging into the body of Christ on campus, because I know it will make college so much easier. well, less stressful, anyway. But for whatever reason, I have trust issues. I have trouble believing people's motives are good. I have a hard time believing that half the Christians I meet/hear about are genuine and sincere. And I wish I knew the remedy for that.
I guess I just don't like it when people are always happy. Why? I don't know. I want to be, trust me! But I have trouble around people who are always cheerful. I guess maybe because my life hasn't always been easy. But still, that's no reason to not be happy. That's no reason to be negative. And I've been asking God to teach me how to be happy without being plastic, because that's what I desperately want. I'm tired of being half-happy, 1/4 worried and 1/4 frustrated throughout the week. And I know that the only way I can do that is if Jesus helps me do so...I once heard a man say (roughly) that hope isn't so much a desperate "I really really want this to happen" but instead a confidence in who God is and what He has promised.
Thank God that I am and will remain a work in progress until Jesus calls me home.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Sooo...the past few weeks have been odd. I feel like my gears are grinding incorrectly, if that analogy is correct. I've been trying to go hard after God, but there are things in my heart that are keeping me from doing so. I have dealt with lust almost non-stop for the past month, really, and I've been dealing with this sense of entitlement...like I have some sort of right to say who's wrong and who's right. I have woken up in the morning feeling like I'm God's enemy, because I have a tendancy to critique people and their ministries and such. Because of the lust, there are days when I see myself as nothing but a creep and a pervert. I have tried so hard to study scripture like Romans 7 where Paul talks about him not doing what he wants to do and doing what he doesn't want to do, etc...Jesus' talks about rest and forgiveness...but it's like trying to beat through this thick steel door. I've gotten nowhere.
And I know that part of the issue at hand is a trust issue...remember Adam and Eve in the garden? Many people who do a study on that passage say that the core issue that the serpent was bringing up was this: "Is God who He says He is, and is He to be trusted?" That's the core question coming up here, too. I believe God is who He says He is, but I think the issue lies in how much I trust (or don't trust) Him. I think the unspoken mindset I have is that whenever God pulls something out of my heart, that I'll become a robot. I'll get all stoked about scripture that I don't even understand, I'll get all insensitive, etc. One of the things that I am very serious about is being sensitive to people. Like, knowing what they go through. Knowing the pain and fear of lonliness, basically, understanding what humans experience. I think that without sensitivity, the church is ineffective and brainwashes people. And what makes me think that the same God who rejoices when one of His lost sheep is found, who mourns when His people turn away, how can I think that insensitivity is part of His plan for His church? I couldn't exactly tell you.
But I'm tired of wrestling with God about what kind of man He wants me to be. I'm so tired of it. because it gives me those feelings like I'm His enemy, or not on His side, etc. uggggggggh.
And I know that part of the issue at hand is a trust issue...remember Adam and Eve in the garden? Many people who do a study on that passage say that the core issue that the serpent was bringing up was this: "Is God who He says He is, and is He to be trusted?" That's the core question coming up here, too. I believe God is who He says He is, but I think the issue lies in how much I trust (or don't trust) Him. I think the unspoken mindset I have is that whenever God pulls something out of my heart, that I'll become a robot. I'll get all stoked about scripture that I don't even understand, I'll get all insensitive, etc. One of the things that I am very serious about is being sensitive to people. Like, knowing what they go through. Knowing the pain and fear of lonliness, basically, understanding what humans experience. I think that without sensitivity, the church is ineffective and brainwashes people. And what makes me think that the same God who rejoices when one of His lost sheep is found, who mourns when His people turn away, how can I think that insensitivity is part of His plan for His church? I couldn't exactly tell you.
But I'm tired of wrestling with God about what kind of man He wants me to be. I'm so tired of it. because it gives me those feelings like I'm His enemy, or not on His side, etc. uggggggggh.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
training wheels.
I keep looking at that "problem of perfection" blog of mind and it kind of bothers me. Well, really doesn't concern me, kind of makes me laugh. When you think about it, we won't be perfect until we get to heaven. I mean seriously.
And I've really come to learn that it's not our actions and behaviors, habits, practices, and whatnot that gets us to a place of "perfection," also known as righteousness. The gospel is not about us accepting Jesus as our Lord and Savior, and Him leaving us alone to do our own thing, trying to do His thing. He doesn't ask us to advance His Kingdom with Him not the ruling King. Think of it this way.
A young boy gets a bicycle for Christmas. It's a nice, expensive, versatile mountain bike, but it's too big for him, and there are no training wheels.
What kind of gift is that? Now, on the other hand, another young boy gets a bike small enough for him to ride, and, it has training wheels. Ohhhh yeah. Now we're in business.
Jesus said, "Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?"
(Matthew 7:7-11, The Message)
The point I'm trying to make is that we really do not have to rely on our strength, merit, etc. Jesus has enough strength for us when we're weak, He has grace when we fail, He is faithful when we are absolutely faithless.
You don't have to depend on yourself to engage in meaningful worship, to study the word. You put yourself out there, and you won't be disappointed.
"But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him."
Hebrews 11:6. That's a promise of God. Stand on that promise.
And I've really come to learn that it's not our actions and behaviors, habits, practices, and whatnot that gets us to a place of "perfection," also known as righteousness. The gospel is not about us accepting Jesus as our Lord and Savior, and Him leaving us alone to do our own thing, trying to do His thing. He doesn't ask us to advance His Kingdom with Him not the ruling King. Think of it this way.
A young boy gets a bicycle for Christmas. It's a nice, expensive, versatile mountain bike, but it's too big for him, and there are no training wheels.
What kind of gift is that? Now, on the other hand, another young boy gets a bike small enough for him to ride, and, it has training wheels. Ohhhh yeah. Now we're in business.
Jesus said, "Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?"
(Matthew 7:7-11, The Message)
The point I'm trying to make is that we really do not have to rely on our strength, merit, etc. Jesus has enough strength for us when we're weak, He has grace when we fail, He is faithful when we are absolutely faithless.
You don't have to depend on yourself to engage in meaningful worship, to study the word. You put yourself out there, and you won't be disappointed.
"But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him."
Hebrews 11:6. That's a promise of God. Stand on that promise.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
The sound of silence.
Ecclesiastes 5:1-5 is beginning to go down as one of my favorite passages of scripture...
1 Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong.
I love this passage so much because there seems to be so much pressure in the church to always have something to say. Something encouraging, something prophetic, a Bible verse to share, anything. And sometimes (in my case, usually) we don't. There's nothing we can say. There's nothing we have to say.
I love that first verse...Go near to listen rather than to sacrifice...while worship is such an important part of our lives as believers, the best, richest thing is to learn. David, a true worshipper after God's own heart, would say to God, "Teach me Your ways." (Psalm 25:4) I daresay David was the master of this art, because while so often he says, "praise the Lord, all your people! Laud Him, etc.." he gets down to business and says, "Lord, teach me Your ways."
That, I firmly believe, should be the cry of all worshippers' (and in that, all believers, given we're all worshippers :) ) hearts. Because since worship begins with God, we can't possibly worship until God teaches us something about Himself--worship is a response. Worship is a response to who God is, and we know who God is through two ways--the Bible, and Jesus. The Bible teaches us what God has done, and Jesus teaches us who God is through His life. That is the initiator of true worship.
1 Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong.
2 Do not be quick with your mouth,
do not be hasty in your heart
to utter anything before God.
God is in heaven
and you are on earth,
so let your words be few.
3 As a dream comes when there are many cares,
so the speech of a fool when there are many words.
I love this passage so much because there seems to be so much pressure in the church to always have something to say. Something encouraging, something prophetic, a Bible verse to share, anything. And sometimes (in my case, usually) we don't. There's nothing we can say. There's nothing we have to say.
I love that first verse...Go near to listen rather than to sacrifice...while worship is such an important part of our lives as believers, the best, richest thing is to learn. David, a true worshipper after God's own heart, would say to God, "Teach me Your ways." (Psalm 25:4) I daresay David was the master of this art, because while so often he says, "praise the Lord, all your people! Laud Him, etc.." he gets down to business and says, "Lord, teach me Your ways."
That, I firmly believe, should be the cry of all worshippers' (and in that, all believers, given we're all worshippers :) ) hearts. Because since worship begins with God, we can't possibly worship until God teaches us something about Himself--worship is a response. Worship is a response to who God is, and we know who God is through two ways--the Bible, and Jesus. The Bible teaches us what God has done, and Jesus teaches us who God is through His life. That is the initiator of true worship.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
It's been a while. It's been a long while.
I just looked at my last blog and I was thinking about how I'm slowly but surely working to overcome that, I'm not afraid of being strong because I know it's necessary later on in life.
I picked up the book "No More Christian Nice Guy" by Paul Coughlin, and the subheading (or whatever you call the description of the book on the cover) is "when being nice, instead of good, hurts men, women, and children." And this book has conveyed an idea that seems so foreign to the minds of Americans and especially Christians: Christian men should have a backbone. What?!
It has changed (and is still changing) my perspective on things like standing up for the truth, and what is right.
I remember always viewing the concept of standing up for Jesus as something like a girlfriend standing up for their boyfriend, not really able to do anything, hoping for the best, but being confident that their boyfriend can hold their own and knowing he's in the right.
But since I've been to the men's retreat, and have been reading this book, standing up for Christ seems more like standing up for a Brother, and a Friend. A mindset more like, "He never backed down for me and my needs, so I'm not going to back down for His standards, and how He wants me to live."
And my view of Jesus has changed. I always thought of Jesus as soft and tender, maybe a little on the wild side, but not much. But it has finally occured to me that Jesus had (and has) a backbone. He didn't back down from hypocrites. He didn't tiptoe around subjects. He wasn't scared to step on anyone's toes. He didn't apologize for offending people, but said woe to those who He offended.
But to expand on something earlier said: being strong is necessary for living our lives. If I am married one day (and even if not,) I'm going to need to be strong in order to:
-Stay faithful to God
-Stay faithful to my wife
-Honor my friends' wives
-Lead where God has me in a position of leadership
-Be a steward of what God has given to me
It's not good to go through life without a backbone, and I feel like I sound like a radical and I'm really not, but I have to draw the line. Strength is not bad.
I kinda lost my train of thought, so let me write later.
I just looked at my last blog and I was thinking about how I'm slowly but surely working to overcome that, I'm not afraid of being strong because I know it's necessary later on in life.
I picked up the book "No More Christian Nice Guy" by Paul Coughlin, and the subheading (or whatever you call the description of the book on the cover) is "when being nice, instead of good, hurts men, women, and children." And this book has conveyed an idea that seems so foreign to the minds of Americans and especially Christians: Christian men should have a backbone. What?!
It has changed (and is still changing) my perspective on things like standing up for the truth, and what is right.
I remember always viewing the concept of standing up for Jesus as something like a girlfriend standing up for their boyfriend, not really able to do anything, hoping for the best, but being confident that their boyfriend can hold their own and knowing he's in the right.
But since I've been to the men's retreat, and have been reading this book, standing up for Christ seems more like standing up for a Brother, and a Friend. A mindset more like, "He never backed down for me and my needs, so I'm not going to back down for His standards, and how He wants me to live."
And my view of Jesus has changed. I always thought of Jesus as soft and tender, maybe a little on the wild side, but not much. But it has finally occured to me that Jesus had (and has) a backbone. He didn't back down from hypocrites. He didn't tiptoe around subjects. He wasn't scared to step on anyone's toes. He didn't apologize for offending people, but said woe to those who He offended.
But to expand on something earlier said: being strong is necessary for living our lives. If I am married one day (and even if not,) I'm going to need to be strong in order to:
-Stay faithful to God
-Stay faithful to my wife
-Honor my friends' wives
-Lead where God has me in a position of leadership
-Be a steward of what God has given to me
It's not good to go through life without a backbone, and I feel like I sound like a radical and I'm really not, but I have to draw the line. Strength is not bad.
I kinda lost my train of thought, so let me write later.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
The problem of perfection...
DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure that somewhere along this discussion, my thoughts or outlook or opinion is wrong. But, these are my thoughts, outlooks, and opinions as of currently. Don't take them as entirely valid.
My room just got a makeover. We stripped the carpet, took out the fan blades, moved ALL my crap out of it, and we repainted it and got new carpet. Now we're working on moving everything back in and I'm working on keeping it neat and clean, although it poses a problem: what fun is that?
Life will get boring if it's constantly clean. I mean, I'll never appreciate the work I've put forth, and I'll never be able to relax because I'm constantly trying to keep it clean. I mean, yeah, I don't want to have it messy 24/7, but...I hope you get my point.
That's the way I feel about my walk with God. Let me (try to) explain.
I'm uptight in the sense that I don't want to do anything to make bad the name of Jesus. I don't want to be the type of person who is so daggone holy that I don't understand anyone's pain. I don't want to be the type of Christian who people hate because they just don't care.
Now I'll be honest, I don't make a point to go up and talk to people, which is probably bad...but (and I know it probably sounds cheap, I'm starting to feel the same) I try to let my life do the talking. Maybe it's more of a witness than I know to be honest when I'm having a great day and a bad. Maybe it's unprogressive. And maybe it's selfish, but I'm happy that way.
I'm happy when I know I have flaws as a person, and I know I could never do anything or go anywhere without Jesus. But at the same time, I have so many bad days and I definitely deal with beating myself up over stuff.
It makes the good days so amazing, and the bad days absolutely horrendous.
And I feel like I leave so much stuff out like prophecy and fasting and intercession, and I feel like I bum myself out of those by saying "I don't feel it. I don't feel led to do that." which is true, but I feel like I'm lesser.
On an ending note, some days I think I should step back and live my life and not be so anxious about things, stop worrying about my life. But there again is the worry of becoming lazy...
My room just got a makeover. We stripped the carpet, took out the fan blades, moved ALL my crap out of it, and we repainted it and got new carpet. Now we're working on moving everything back in and I'm working on keeping it neat and clean, although it poses a problem: what fun is that?
Life will get boring if it's constantly clean. I mean, I'll never appreciate the work I've put forth, and I'll never be able to relax because I'm constantly trying to keep it clean. I mean, yeah, I don't want to have it messy 24/7, but...I hope you get my point.
That's the way I feel about my walk with God. Let me (try to) explain.
I'm uptight in the sense that I don't want to do anything to make bad the name of Jesus. I don't want to be the type of person who is so daggone holy that I don't understand anyone's pain. I don't want to be the type of Christian who people hate because they just don't care.
Now I'll be honest, I don't make a point to go up and talk to people, which is probably bad...but (and I know it probably sounds cheap, I'm starting to feel the same) I try to let my life do the talking. Maybe it's more of a witness than I know to be honest when I'm having a great day and a bad. Maybe it's unprogressive. And maybe it's selfish, but I'm happy that way.
I'm happy when I know I have flaws as a person, and I know I could never do anything or go anywhere without Jesus. But at the same time, I have so many bad days and I definitely deal with beating myself up over stuff.
It makes the good days so amazing, and the bad days absolutely horrendous.
And I feel like I leave so much stuff out like prophecy and fasting and intercession, and I feel like I bum myself out of those by saying "I don't feel it. I don't feel led to do that." which is true, but I feel like I'm lesser.
On an ending note, some days I think I should step back and live my life and not be so anxious about things, stop worrying about my life. But there again is the worry of becoming lazy...
Saturday, March 28, 2009
What the world thinks is manliness...
Wow, it's been a while since I wrote here!
Lots of stuff has happened since the last time, good stuff and bad, but God is good through it ALL.
I worked today with some people from my old McDonalds...and it got me thinking about how I hated it and why I hated it...basically, I was a girl. And now I'm doing my best to reclaim the essence of masculinity. I was working with my best friend (at work anyway) and we have this tendancy to make crude jokes (I don't enjoy them, but for whatever reason, I follow along) and I thought...'why do I make these jokes? Am I trying to prove I'm manlier than I was? That my sex drive and my sexual thoughts are operational?' and that's when it hit me:
The world's idea of manliness has a lot to do with the masculine sex drive. Seriously. Guys really think a man is a man (or THE man) if he sleeps with the hottest girl, or can hit on them or whatever. The world thinks manliness is about sex.
I'm not claiming to know exactly what manliness is because that is a journey I'm on right now...but I know it's a lot bigger than sex. Just my thoughts for the day.
Lots of stuff has happened since the last time, good stuff and bad, but God is good through it ALL.
I worked today with some people from my old McDonalds...and it got me thinking about how I hated it and why I hated it...basically, I was a girl. And now I'm doing my best to reclaim the essence of masculinity. I was working with my best friend (at work anyway) and we have this tendancy to make crude jokes (I don't enjoy them, but for whatever reason, I follow along) and I thought...'why do I make these jokes? Am I trying to prove I'm manlier than I was? That my sex drive and my sexual thoughts are operational?' and that's when it hit me:
The world's idea of manliness has a lot to do with the masculine sex drive. Seriously. Guys really think a man is a man (or THE man) if he sleeps with the hottest girl, or can hit on them or whatever. The world thinks manliness is about sex.
I'm not claiming to know exactly what manliness is because that is a journey I'm on right now...but I know it's a lot bigger than sex. Just my thoughts for the day.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
The least of these.
Matthew 25:34-40
34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
This verse always seems to be on my mind anymore...the more I learn about worship and the more I learn about managing my money, this verse keeps coming to my mind.
I say worship because the way we treat people is the way we treat Jesus. That's NOT to say that people are Jesus. But the level of respect and honor with which we treat people reflects the way we esteem the Lord.
I am so reminded lately of religion...the Sunday morning suits and the people who abandon the cause of Christ for "The cause of Christ," anything out of the ordinary or anyone who doesn't wear a suit, or any lost person...any of that is keeping them from their focus. It's religion.
I seem to have a million doors opened every day for serving...and I try to run through the thought in my mind that whatever I do, I do to Jesus. Part of it is doing it, the other half is the attitude. You can do your job with a crappy attitude, and it's worthless to Jesus. You gave Him your bad attitude. You can sing and dance during worship music, but if your heart does not remain there when it's done, it's noise in God's ears. A clanging cymbal, Paul says.
But every time someone asks me to get them a case of nuggets, or go bring up gravy, take out the trash, etc, at work, I think, "This is just like Jesus asking me to do it for Him." and it makes it so much more worth it. And as far as the money goes, something cool came up today...(well, half-cool-half-bad) my mom and my two sisters were both sick, and I called on the way home to see if I could get them anything and ended up buying ginger ale, crackers, and chicken noodle soup. I have rarely felt so satisfied in my life. Verse 36: 'I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.' Wow. What a privelige. Serving is really a privelige.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
mmm...
I'm kind of in a daze as we speak, I just took a nap and I don't do well after naps. It's weird to get up right before I usually go to bed. or at least close. So I'm trying to make this make sense, but forgive me if it doesn't.
It feels like I'm moving into a new season in my walk with God and the transition is really rough. As John Eldredge describes it, God is having to thwart my false self, my plan for salvation, my defense mechanism from pain. I never realized how I had really set up the false self as a defense from pain. I hid in my pleasure, doing what I do, and just losing myself in the evenings to books, my journal, and my movies. I must admit, the pleasure I got from it is heavy, I truly enjoy sitting and watching a movie and journaling, but I think I was more satisfied in the things than in the God giving me the rest.
The other day I really felt God's love in a way I haven't since I was saved. I felt genuinely loved, that He knows all of my struggles and He still loves me despite my doubt and my fear. Like Jesus was beckoning me back to the cross to experience His love in a deeper way.
The thing about feeling God's love is...it seems like I either feel God's love and am oblivious to problems, or I'm feeling problems and can't sense God's love there.
Like, I know where I have come from and what I've been through, but it's like it never happened. I know it didn't, in God's eyes, because Jesus has forgiven me. But I want to be the kind of man who feels the pain of lonliness, who feels the pain of rejection, who understands the pull to different temptations, but through it all understands God's power to change a life. all I can say is that I want to feel, because people need to know that God's people are people, too. They're not people with a halo who have achieved a level of holiness, no, but they are redeemed from a dead past.
Sometimes I think that the reason I have a hard time trusting God sometimes is because of His people. There is a short supply of compassion these days, and I don't want to be counted in the number of those who are missing it. the Bible talks about sharing one anothers burdens, and I want to help bear the burdens of the poor, the lonely, the broken...because Jesus would. And then I know my faith is genuine, because genuine faith always results in doing what Jesus would do.
So my prayer right now is for a genuine, sensitive faith and firm belief that God can do ANYTHING in ANYONE'S life, regardless. I want to share the world's pain, and God's heart for them.
It feels like I'm moving into a new season in my walk with God and the transition is really rough. As John Eldredge describes it, God is having to thwart my false self, my plan for salvation, my defense mechanism from pain. I never realized how I had really set up the false self as a defense from pain. I hid in my pleasure, doing what I do, and just losing myself in the evenings to books, my journal, and my movies. I must admit, the pleasure I got from it is heavy, I truly enjoy sitting and watching a movie and journaling, but I think I was more satisfied in the things than in the God giving me the rest.
The other day I really felt God's love in a way I haven't since I was saved. I felt genuinely loved, that He knows all of my struggles and He still loves me despite my doubt and my fear. Like Jesus was beckoning me back to the cross to experience His love in a deeper way.
The thing about feeling God's love is...it seems like I either feel God's love and am oblivious to problems, or I'm feeling problems and can't sense God's love there.
Like, I know where I have come from and what I've been through, but it's like it never happened. I know it didn't, in God's eyes, because Jesus has forgiven me. But I want to be the kind of man who feels the pain of lonliness, who feels the pain of rejection, who understands the pull to different temptations, but through it all understands God's power to change a life. all I can say is that I want to feel, because people need to know that God's people are people, too. They're not people with a halo who have achieved a level of holiness, no, but they are redeemed from a dead past.
Sometimes I think that the reason I have a hard time trusting God sometimes is because of His people. There is a short supply of compassion these days, and I don't want to be counted in the number of those who are missing it. the Bible talks about sharing one anothers burdens, and I want to help bear the burdens of the poor, the lonely, the broken...because Jesus would. And then I know my faith is genuine, because genuine faith always results in doing what Jesus would do.
So my prayer right now is for a genuine, sensitive faith and firm belief that God can do ANYTHING in ANYONE'S life, regardless. I want to share the world's pain, and God's heart for them.
Monday, February 9, 2009
phases.
over the past few days I've watched a few movies and been disappointed in them. I watched Inside Man, Taken, The Four Feathers, and Fight Club, and couldn't get into any of them. I'm not sure if I'm coming out of my movie phase, or what.
I go through phases, like for a while I'll listen to tons of music and buy CDs, then get rid of them. then I'll do books (though I haven't gotten rid of many books, I have yet to finish them :P ) then movies and so on. I really enjoy movies with rich plots and good acting and stuff but here lately can't seem to get into any. Maybe I need to lay movies down before God for a while.
Now I just want to talk.
I'm in that place again right now where my heart is overwhelmed, overwhelmed with God's goodness and my weakness. It's so polar but magnetic...because in my weakness God's power is shown and He is glorified.
I so hate talking like a pastor or theologian. Like, even what I just said, though it is true, is hard for me to say because it's so easy for someone who is struggling to hear that and become discouraged because they just don't get it.
I am listening to Desperation Band, I just listened to Overcome, and it makes me think.
Worship in heaven is about declaration. The angels singing, 'holy, holy, holy!' and just declaring who God is. Desperation Band is the closest thing I've ever heard to heavenly worship. I feel so comforted by God's presence when listening to them. But anyway. It's okay.
I was thinking about heaven on Sunday, and thinking about how finite we are....
like, the Bible can mean so many different things to so many different people, one verse impacts one person and another can impact someone else. some verses mean little to nothing to some, while they mean everything to another. People connect differently. People encounter the Almighty God differently.
I hear some preachers talk about walking under open heaven and all this blah blah blah and as much as I know Jesus told us to ask for God to put heaven on earth I don't think He meant the deeds as much as the heart, the worship, the complete adoration. I dunno. But all I know is I have no idea what to expect when I get to heaven and I really don't want to.
I go through phases, like for a while I'll listen to tons of music and buy CDs, then get rid of them. then I'll do books (though I haven't gotten rid of many books, I have yet to finish them :P ) then movies and so on. I really enjoy movies with rich plots and good acting and stuff but here lately can't seem to get into any. Maybe I need to lay movies down before God for a while.
Now I just want to talk.
I'm in that place again right now where my heart is overwhelmed, overwhelmed with God's goodness and my weakness. It's so polar but magnetic...because in my weakness God's power is shown and He is glorified.
I so hate talking like a pastor or theologian. Like, even what I just said, though it is true, is hard for me to say because it's so easy for someone who is struggling to hear that and become discouraged because they just don't get it.
I am listening to Desperation Band, I just listened to Overcome, and it makes me think.
Worship in heaven is about declaration. The angels singing, 'holy, holy, holy!' and just declaring who God is. Desperation Band is the closest thing I've ever heard to heavenly worship. I feel so comforted by God's presence when listening to them. But anyway. It's okay.
I was thinking about heaven on Sunday, and thinking about how finite we are....
like, the Bible can mean so many different things to so many different people, one verse impacts one person and another can impact someone else. some verses mean little to nothing to some, while they mean everything to another. People connect differently. People encounter the Almighty God differently.
I hear some preachers talk about walking under open heaven and all this blah blah blah and as much as I know Jesus told us to ask for God to put heaven on earth I don't think He meant the deeds as much as the heart, the worship, the complete adoration. I dunno. But all I know is I have no idea what to expect when I get to heaven and I really don't want to.
Friday, February 6, 2009
through it all I know, You are God alone.
Well, all I can say is wow.
I have been through such a pile of crap over the past, I don't even know how long. I used to think I'd always refer to the past six months, then year, now year and a half...but I'm starting to think I won't be back to normal, which is a WONDERFUL thing. Let me explain:
2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (MSG)
7-10Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.
I used to be discouraged by this verse. Really. I used to think it meant something like:
I'll never get it together for Christ, and He's gonna say His grace is enough to make me feel better, but He's really pretty upset I'll never get it together.
But I think it's actually God's plan for us NOT to have it all together, figured out. Read Genesis 11 if you want to see an example of this. He does it to show His sovereignty. He confuses the language of Babel, where people were trying to build this huge tower and live there forever. God Himself says, "If they go through with this, they'll be able to do anything, and not acknowledge Me. I'll go confuse them."
At first glance, this probably looks like pride on God's part. He's probably thinking, "Oh, no! I might lose control! I'm gonna go the coward's way out so they can't do this without Me. HA!" No, I believe His intentions were greater.
Humans were never meant to live off ourselves. We're meant to live off of God, and His Word. So He did it so they could really lead a better life. That's my opinion, I'm no Bible expert, Lord knows.
The point is, we're not meant to live off of ourselves. We're not even intended to evangelize, or worship, in our own strength. In the book Facedown, I read a well-stated fact that worship itself is in the Holy Spirit. God receives worship through His Son, who gives us grace to worship.
God gives us these imperfections, these faults for His glory. Maybe its a lack of understanding. Maybe it's timidity. I don't know...but ask God to show you your imperfections and how they can be used for His glory. How can He be glorified in you?
See, I went through this whole phase I went through (I'm sorry I beat this horse to death...) for God's glory, I truly believe. I didn't try to get into it, I didn't think I'd get into it, I just kind of went into autopilot, and ended up in a hole. There have been several times when I look back at the Christian I was, and I probably would have ended up down a miserable road of people who would point to themselves into Jesus for the answer to life. I thank God for that wound. I really do. His grace IS enough.
I have been through such a pile of crap over the past, I don't even know how long. I used to think I'd always refer to the past six months, then year, now year and a half...but I'm starting to think I won't be back to normal, which is a WONDERFUL thing. Let me explain:
2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (MSG)
7-10Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.
I used to be discouraged by this verse. Really. I used to think it meant something like:
I'll never get it together for Christ, and He's gonna say His grace is enough to make me feel better, but He's really pretty upset I'll never get it together.
But I think it's actually God's plan for us NOT to have it all together, figured out. Read Genesis 11 if you want to see an example of this. He does it to show His sovereignty. He confuses the language of Babel, where people were trying to build this huge tower and live there forever. God Himself says, "If they go through with this, they'll be able to do anything, and not acknowledge Me. I'll go confuse them."
At first glance, this probably looks like pride on God's part. He's probably thinking, "Oh, no! I might lose control! I'm gonna go the coward's way out so they can't do this without Me. HA!" No, I believe His intentions were greater.
Humans were never meant to live off ourselves. We're meant to live off of God, and His Word. So He did it so they could really lead a better life. That's my opinion, I'm no Bible expert, Lord knows.
The point is, we're not meant to live off of ourselves. We're not even intended to evangelize, or worship, in our own strength. In the book Facedown, I read a well-stated fact that worship itself is in the Holy Spirit. God receives worship through His Son, who gives us grace to worship.
God gives us these imperfections, these faults for His glory. Maybe its a lack of understanding. Maybe it's timidity. I don't know...but ask God to show you your imperfections and how they can be used for His glory. How can He be glorified in you?
See, I went through this whole phase I went through (I'm sorry I beat this horse to death...) for God's glory, I truly believe. I didn't try to get into it, I didn't think I'd get into it, I just kind of went into autopilot, and ended up in a hole. There have been several times when I look back at the Christian I was, and I probably would have ended up down a miserable road of people who would point to themselves into Jesus for the answer to life. I thank God for that wound. I really do. His grace IS enough.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Childlike Faith Part II--my own story.
Well, I can't say I'm completely at the point of childlike faith, even though I want to be there desperately, it would save me all kinds of pain and confusion.
Yesterday I was reading Every Young Man's Battle and was shocked by the blatant honesty, and the involvement of God through these trials. It put my relationship with the Lord in perspective.
You see, I think that naturally we expect ourselves to have to work our way "back," to get to a point where we can grow in our walk with Christ. So really, I was putting a burden on myself of adult faith. But where in the Bible does it call us grown-ups of God?
We are consistently called children and friends, not acquaintances or partners or affiliates. We are personally connected, as God's kids and His friends, His buddies.
(Deut 14:1, John 1:12, Romans 8:16, Ephesians 5:1, Philippians 2:15, 1 John 3:1-3.)
Yesterday, I was reading that book when I felt like Jesus was sitting right there beside me asking, "When are you going to let this charade go? How long are you going to hold on to your need for control? I understand your worry and your fear, but I am good and I will not let you down."
I have pondered that question since then, wanting desperately to let go but still having trouble with trust. But God will help me overcome.
Yesterday I was reading Every Young Man's Battle and was shocked by the blatant honesty, and the involvement of God through these trials. It put my relationship with the Lord in perspective.
You see, I think that naturally we expect ourselves to have to work our way "back," to get to a point where we can grow in our walk with Christ. So really, I was putting a burden on myself of adult faith. But where in the Bible does it call us grown-ups of God?
We are consistently called children and friends, not acquaintances or partners or affiliates. We are personally connected, as God's kids and His friends, His buddies.
(Deut 14:1, John 1:12, Romans 8:16, Ephesians 5:1, Philippians 2:15, 1 John 3:1-3.)
Yesterday, I was reading that book when I felt like Jesus was sitting right there beside me asking, "When are you going to let this charade go? How long are you going to hold on to your need for control? I understand your worry and your fear, but I am good and I will not let you down."
I have pondered that question since then, wanting desperately to let go but still having trouble with trust. But God will help me overcome.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
God's validation and comfort.
I like to think God's normal.
He's not really that weird, at least as weird as some people make Him out to be. Sure, it may be weird to someone to hear someone else say, "I heard God say," I can totally understand. But He's not "out there." He's right beside us. He whispers to us when we are going in the wrong direction, and draws us GENTLY to Him.
It's easy to want to beat myself up for all the mistakes I've made. Both in my whole life as well as in the daily things. Here lately it's been misplaced priorities. But man, He really still loves me. And what kind of god would push us further and further away when we fail him? It only makes sense to draw us closer more gently and lovingly. Like the old saying goes, you attract a lot more bees with honey than vinegar.
I'm glad He loves us so much.
"With Your majesty here, I fall to my knees, I love You endlessly. With the beauty of Your Son, I find myself undone, I love You endlessly."
I want to come undone. To fall to my knees, and adoringly give my life entirely to Christ. I really do.
He's not really that weird, at least as weird as some people make Him out to be. Sure, it may be weird to someone to hear someone else say, "I heard God say," I can totally understand. But He's not "out there." He's right beside us. He whispers to us when we are going in the wrong direction, and draws us GENTLY to Him.
It's easy to want to beat myself up for all the mistakes I've made. Both in my whole life as well as in the daily things. Here lately it's been misplaced priorities. But man, He really still loves me. And what kind of god would push us further and further away when we fail him? It only makes sense to draw us closer more gently and lovingly. Like the old saying goes, you attract a lot more bees with honey than vinegar.
I'm glad He loves us so much.
"With Your majesty here, I fall to my knees, I love You endlessly. With the beauty of Your Son, I find myself undone, I love You endlessly."
I want to come undone. To fall to my knees, and adoringly give my life entirely to Christ. I really do.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
The plan for reconciliation.
For a long time I've wondered what I'd say to the version of myself that existed over the past year.
Tonight, I was reading a book by John Eldredge and felt the pull to put it down and start journaling.
Here's what I wrote (possibly with minor edits)
"The central of Christianity has to be Jesus, His death and resurrection. It's an inward transformation that goes to the outside.
If someone was to ask me how to overcome circumstance, to overcome the dullness of faith, the emptiness of a lack of it, or how to figure out how to "get back to God" (the word for that is reconciliation,) I'd first warn them:
It is very tempting to turn to music or books about Christianity in order to be reconciled. It's easy, too.
See, my problem was that I was looking for one thing to change about my life in order to make it better, and more full. I figured there was one book or song I could read or listen to that would make it all better. But a multi-faceted problem has to have a multi-faceted root.
I could have read the book about fasting by Derek Prince and fasted my guts out with no results.
I read Wild at Heart and attended a Men's Conference, and then tried to be the manliest man around, but that didn't work.
And what happened was the wearing down of my very soul. I was exhausted.
That's because we serve a huge God who requires surrender of the heart. And the only way we can give our hearts to Him is through Jesus Christ.
That's how He won our hearts. Remember that initial pull to Christ? That's your heart being captivated.
But see, Jesus was the one who paid the price. He is the one who ransomed us.
understand that Masculinity, or Fasting, or Spiritual Warfare, or Purity, or Miracles, they didn't die for our sins. They couldn't possibly do the work of Christ for us."
It'd be so easy if there was one book that did the trick, a book that said, "hey, God? I got this one, okay?" It'd be too easy. Just find something that captures your attention, who draws you to it.
Because that's the call of Christ. He has captured the heart of man. He has captured my heart, for one. That's why we're so crazy when we first get saved. But who says it has to get old?
Anyway, the point is this: you can't look to anything physical as your source of reconciliation.
Romans 5:11 says that we have reconciliation through Christ. Peter tells us that we are saved by something incorruptible, the blood of Jesus.
You see, men are corruptible. They can fall. Surely there is a Christian author who had written a book at one point and has now strayed from the faith.
We can't count on things. We have to count on Jesus. Because He's perfect. He paid the price. He became sin to overcome sin.
So what would I say to someone going through that stuff?
Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Truly turn your eyes upon Him. He honestly loves you just for who you are, not for what you can do for Him. when God looks at your record, He sees Jesus. And that is the price for it all.
Tonight, I was reading a book by John Eldredge and felt the pull to put it down and start journaling.
Here's what I wrote (possibly with minor edits)
"The central of Christianity has to be Jesus, His death and resurrection. It's an inward transformation that goes to the outside.
If someone was to ask me how to overcome circumstance, to overcome the dullness of faith, the emptiness of a lack of it, or how to figure out how to "get back to God" (the word for that is reconciliation,) I'd first warn them:
It is very tempting to turn to music or books about Christianity in order to be reconciled. It's easy, too.
See, my problem was that I was looking for one thing to change about my life in order to make it better, and more full. I figured there was one book or song I could read or listen to that would make it all better. But a multi-faceted problem has to have a multi-faceted root.
I could have read the book about fasting by Derek Prince and fasted my guts out with no results.
I read Wild at Heart and attended a Men's Conference, and then tried to be the manliest man around, but that didn't work.
And what happened was the wearing down of my very soul. I was exhausted.
That's because we serve a huge God who requires surrender of the heart. And the only way we can give our hearts to Him is through Jesus Christ.
That's how He won our hearts. Remember that initial pull to Christ? That's your heart being captivated.
But see, Jesus was the one who paid the price. He is the one who ransomed us.
understand that Masculinity, or Fasting, or Spiritual Warfare, or Purity, or Miracles, they didn't die for our sins. They couldn't possibly do the work of Christ for us."
It'd be so easy if there was one book that did the trick, a book that said, "hey, God? I got this one, okay?" It'd be too easy. Just find something that captures your attention, who draws you to it.
Because that's the call of Christ. He has captured the heart of man. He has captured my heart, for one. That's why we're so crazy when we first get saved. But who says it has to get old?
Anyway, the point is this: you can't look to anything physical as your source of reconciliation.
Romans 5:11 says that we have reconciliation through Christ. Peter tells us that we are saved by something incorruptible, the blood of Jesus.
You see, men are corruptible. They can fall. Surely there is a Christian author who had written a book at one point and has now strayed from the faith.
We can't count on things. We have to count on Jesus. Because He's perfect. He paid the price. He became sin to overcome sin.
So what would I say to someone going through that stuff?
Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Truly turn your eyes upon Him. He honestly loves you just for who you are, not for what you can do for Him. when God looks at your record, He sees Jesus. And that is the price for it all.
an invitation to surrender.
My mother bought me "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge on cassette (yeah, I know, old school.) But anyways, I listen to it quite often (there's a cassette player in the van I drive, man I'm cool.) and over and over, the truths resonate deeper and deeper into my heart.
This time around, it stuck out to me when he was talking about when Jesus said,
"Those who try to save their lives will lose them, and those who lose their lives for Me and for the gospel will find it."
This hit me directly this time.
It finally occured to me that everything I've tried has been an effort to simply gain control.
I've tried watching movies and reading books, going to conferences and hanging out with certain people, journaling even, has been an attempt on my part to simply gain control of my life, and especially of my faith.
Which, to the untrained eye, that is a valiant thing. I prayed over and over, "Lord, You know my heart." But not only did He know my heart, He knew my intentions and my methods. I wanted instantaneous joy, I wanted strength, I wanted satisfaction. Which, still, I don't think are bad things to want. But I wanted God to fix it NOW. I didn't want to have to work or surrender. I wanted to stand there and let God serve me.
But that scripture resonated in me strongly, that I need to give up control.
God is inviting me to surrender. And in the deepest part of my heart I know that that must be beautiful, or else it wouldn't be so hard to fight for. It has to be better than it sounds.
You know, God made us, and He knows that we don't like to work without reward. So fortunately, He rewards us with, if nothing else, joy. He makes us happy. So I'm here on the precipice of letting go, and I know there's something greater. An invitation to life, to surrender, and to become God's intimate ally.
This time around, it stuck out to me when he was talking about when Jesus said,
"Those who try to save their lives will lose them, and those who lose their lives for Me and for the gospel will find it."
This hit me directly this time.
It finally occured to me that everything I've tried has been an effort to simply gain control.
I've tried watching movies and reading books, going to conferences and hanging out with certain people, journaling even, has been an attempt on my part to simply gain control of my life, and especially of my faith.
Which, to the untrained eye, that is a valiant thing. I prayed over and over, "Lord, You know my heart." But not only did He know my heart, He knew my intentions and my methods. I wanted instantaneous joy, I wanted strength, I wanted satisfaction. Which, still, I don't think are bad things to want. But I wanted God to fix it NOW. I didn't want to have to work or surrender. I wanted to stand there and let God serve me.
But that scripture resonated in me strongly, that I need to give up control.
God is inviting me to surrender. And in the deepest part of my heart I know that that must be beautiful, or else it wouldn't be so hard to fight for. It has to be better than it sounds.
You know, God made us, and He knows that we don't like to work without reward. So fortunately, He rewards us with, if nothing else, joy. He makes us happy. So I'm here on the precipice of letting go, and I know there's something greater. An invitation to life, to surrender, and to become God's intimate ally.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Compassion.
Ever since my fakeness of the past year, charity and the concept of compassion have turned me off. I've never liked them much. But tonight it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I was asking my mom when dinner would be ready, and I put on my sad-puppy look and voice and said, "I'm hungry!"
Then it just hit. I wasn't thinking about it. It just hit. Wow.
"It" is the reality of the hunger going on around the world. Like, let's take a look.
Over here in America, I have gas in my car, a coat to keep me warm, food on my table, and cash in my pocket in case anything goes wrong. And even when nothing is wrong that cash is used to buy luxury.
Then over there, they walk everywhere they go, exhausted, sometimes without water. They go hungry for days on end, and they can't buy any luxuries.
Man. Thank God I'm not beating myself up, it's just that all of a sudden I want to ACT! I want to stop using my money so selfishly and use it to bring others the joy and warmth of food, clothing, and maybe even a toy.
There really are people out there who are less fortunate than I. They exist.
I always thought compassion was for freaks and activists. I'm not an activist by any means, but I sure don't want to sit on my fat butt stuffing my face with all the food I can buy and indulging my eyes with all the movies I can buy and listening to all the music I can buy.
Okay, I'm done.
"We will be Your hands, we will be Your feet, we will run this race for the least of these. In the darkest place, we will be Your light, we will be Your light."
-Solution, Hillsong United.
I was asking my mom when dinner would be ready, and I put on my sad-puppy look and voice and said, "I'm hungry!"
Then it just hit. I wasn't thinking about it. It just hit. Wow.
"It" is the reality of the hunger going on around the world. Like, let's take a look.
Over here in America, I have gas in my car, a coat to keep me warm, food on my table, and cash in my pocket in case anything goes wrong. And even when nothing is wrong that cash is used to buy luxury.
Then over there, they walk everywhere they go, exhausted, sometimes without water. They go hungry for days on end, and they can't buy any luxuries.
Man. Thank God I'm not beating myself up, it's just that all of a sudden I want to ACT! I want to stop using my money so selfishly and use it to bring others the joy and warmth of food, clothing, and maybe even a toy.
There really are people out there who are less fortunate than I. They exist.
I always thought compassion was for freaks and activists. I'm not an activist by any means, but I sure don't want to sit on my fat butt stuffing my face with all the food I can buy and indulging my eyes with all the movies I can buy and listening to all the music I can buy.
Okay, I'm done.
"We will be Your hands, we will be Your feet, we will run this race for the least of these. In the darkest place, we will be Your light, we will be Your light."
-Solution, Hillsong United.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Fame.
Romans 11:33
Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
This post isn't about a new way to talk about God, just a new way to think about and maybe worship Him.
It would be a new way to witness, but it's humanly incomprehensible.
I was in the bathroom cleaning today and I began to think about the fame, glory, and renown of God. I was thinking about that because of a Chris Tomlin book I bought that's basically all about how our lives are to show the renown of Christ. I haven't read the book yet, so maybe these thoughts will reappear in that book.
I was thinking about how people become famous, and how most people are famous because of what they DO. And really, the more famous people are famous because of what they do. But seriously, actors, musicians, inventors, writers, presidents and other democratic leaders, etc. They all go for something and get it, and get famous for it.
And then the other type of famous are the people who are just born famous. my initial thought was royalty. Princes and kings are born famous.
This verse then came to mind:
Psalm 19:1
The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
That first part gets me. The heavens don't even speak, yet they declare God's glory. How? They exist. They just do. It's so hard to even understand, but man it's truth. All kinds of people find God in nature, and it's amazing to me.
But the point of that thought is that God is famous just for being God. The only reason He ever had to do anything is so that people could acknowledge His fame. In other words, He created the world so we could know Him and love Him and walk with Him. So we exist to get to know and love Him and to declare His glory. Fortunately, He does give us reason, because it's hard for us just to adore something for what it is. He saved us so that we could tell the world how great He is. He blessed us. He loves us. He gives to us. He walks with us. He's coming.
But I love this challenge:
When's the last time we worshipped God for who He is, not what He does?
Don't feel guilty, though, if you have never done that. Hey, I'm not sure if I've ever even done it. But it makes me think about how unsearchable, as the Bible says, He really is.
So here's my challenge: now that you're saved, walk with Him, and declare His glory for who He is and what He's done in your life, not what He can do. He owes us nothing. We owe Him everything. That's why He's famous.
Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
This post isn't about a new way to talk about God, just a new way to think about and maybe worship Him.
It would be a new way to witness, but it's humanly incomprehensible.
I was in the bathroom cleaning today and I began to think about the fame, glory, and renown of God. I was thinking about that because of a Chris Tomlin book I bought that's basically all about how our lives are to show the renown of Christ. I haven't read the book yet, so maybe these thoughts will reappear in that book.
I was thinking about how people become famous, and how most people are famous because of what they DO. And really, the more famous people are famous because of what they do. But seriously, actors, musicians, inventors, writers, presidents and other democratic leaders, etc. They all go for something and get it, and get famous for it.
And then the other type of famous are the people who are just born famous. my initial thought was royalty. Princes and kings are born famous.
This verse then came to mind:
Psalm 19:1
The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
That first part gets me. The heavens don't even speak, yet they declare God's glory. How? They exist. They just do. It's so hard to even understand, but man it's truth. All kinds of people find God in nature, and it's amazing to me.
But the point of that thought is that God is famous just for being God. The only reason He ever had to do anything is so that people could acknowledge His fame. In other words, He created the world so we could know Him and love Him and walk with Him. So we exist to get to know and love Him and to declare His glory. Fortunately, He does give us reason, because it's hard for us just to adore something for what it is. He saved us so that we could tell the world how great He is. He blessed us. He loves us. He gives to us. He walks with us. He's coming.
But I love this challenge:
When's the last time we worshipped God for who He is, not what He does?
Don't feel guilty, though, if you have never done that. Hey, I'm not sure if I've ever even done it. But it makes me think about how unsearchable, as the Bible says, He really is.
So here's my challenge: now that you're saved, walk with Him, and declare His glory for who He is and what He's done in your life, not what He can do. He owes us nothing. We owe Him everything. That's why He's famous.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
childlike faith.
Today I got to work with kids at church. I love kids, kids are really sweet and innocent. Most of them.
Like Carlyn, she's this gorgeous little girl (don't think I'm creepy, I'm not) but she's just so doggone cute and she has this innocent look and air about her.
and Gabe, he's this kid with one of the highest pitched voices I've ever heard in a guy, but I know that this kid is gonna grow up into someone awesome, he'll probably be really romantic and in love with his wife one day.
Whenever I think about kids I think about Jesus. I think about the old song,
"Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world. Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight, Jesus loves the little children of the world."
In worship I was thinking about how nervous I was to help out with children's ministry today and I remembered the verse where Jesus said that we HAVE to enter His kingdom as a little child.
but what I was looking for was Matthew 18:2-5 (the Message)
For an answer Jesus called over a child, whom he stood in the middle of the room, and said, "I'm telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you're not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God's kingdom. What's more, when you receive the childlike on my account, it's the same as receiving me.
I remember during my faith crisis I wondered why faith didn't seem simple anymore. I quoted this verse over and over but it didn't help.
But really, it's not only necessary to become humble like a child in order to enter God's kingdom and be saved, but it's also very very necessary to REMAIN as a child. I don't mean a child as in you are the son or daughter of someone, I mean child as in you are spiritually five years old.
We have to understand that Jesus' blood makes us innocent. We're innocent. That doesn't mean we go out and sin because we can and He sees us as innocent, that means that we're sorry.
Like I said, I'm thinking about kids.
Think about when a kid disobeys. When a parent disciplines them, they are so sorry, and their parents are sad that they have to punish them, but usually the child learns. The Bible says that God loves those whom He chastises.
Too often these days we get caught up in becoming mature but that's not the point. The point of Christianity is to know and love God. It's simple, really. Stay humble, my friend. Stay humble, stay Micah 6:8.
Like Carlyn, she's this gorgeous little girl (don't think I'm creepy, I'm not) but she's just so doggone cute and she has this innocent look and air about her.
and Gabe, he's this kid with one of the highest pitched voices I've ever heard in a guy, but I know that this kid is gonna grow up into someone awesome, he'll probably be really romantic and in love with his wife one day.
Whenever I think about kids I think about Jesus. I think about the old song,
"Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world. Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight, Jesus loves the little children of the world."
In worship I was thinking about how nervous I was to help out with children's ministry today and I remembered the verse where Jesus said that we HAVE to enter His kingdom as a little child.
but what I was looking for was Matthew 18:2-5 (the Message)
For an answer Jesus called over a child, whom he stood in the middle of the room, and said, "I'm telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you're not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God's kingdom. What's more, when you receive the childlike on my account, it's the same as receiving me.
I remember during my faith crisis I wondered why faith didn't seem simple anymore. I quoted this verse over and over but it didn't help.
But really, it's not only necessary to become humble like a child in order to enter God's kingdom and be saved, but it's also very very necessary to REMAIN as a child. I don't mean a child as in you are the son or daughter of someone, I mean child as in you are spiritually five years old.
We have to understand that Jesus' blood makes us innocent. We're innocent. That doesn't mean we go out and sin because we can and He sees us as innocent, that means that we're sorry.
Like I said, I'm thinking about kids.
Think about when a kid disobeys. When a parent disciplines them, they are so sorry, and their parents are sad that they have to punish them, but usually the child learns. The Bible says that God loves those whom He chastises.
Too often these days we get caught up in becoming mature but that's not the point. The point of Christianity is to know and love God. It's simple, really. Stay humble, my friend. Stay humble, stay Micah 6:8.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
"gimme" faith.
A friend of mine once said something that, in retrospect, is profound.
She was dealing with the dryness of her faith, she said...
"maybe I'm seeking His hands and not His face."
How true is that? That's big these days. I have heard of preachers who stress and wear out the topic of "living a life of miracles."
"If you're not walking in a life of miracles, you're not living up to your inheritance."
What? I just have to ask, what if you don't give a rip about miracles? What if that portion of your inheritance you don't care about? What if you'd rather genuinely love the outcast and feed the poor? Then are you living below your inheritance? Man, I think that anyone who has the ability to share their faith genuinely with a homeless person has gone above and beyond any "inheritance" we could possibly dream of.
Okay. Let me just say what I think about miracles. I believe God used to perform miracles, I believe God still performs miracles, and I believe God performs miracles if it's His will. It's for His glory. John Piper said it so well,
"The love of God is not to be made much of, but to make much of Him."
So basically, it doesn't matter if He rids us of our cancer or lets us walk again, or gets rid of our headaches, He can let that happen if He wants. It's His world. it's His will. Our job is to love Him and love others, not perform miracles. Anyway. I do believe that we have access to miracles and healing, etc, but it's not the point. The point of our faith is straight up worship and adoration of the Lord, and everything from our saving and spending habits to our relationships to our evangelism will be affected by and stem out of that love for the Lord.
I would personally LOVE it if I heard God audibly promise me that He'd abandon me if I ever became a "gimme" Christian. There are days when I wish He didn't love gimme Christians. but He does.
She was dealing with the dryness of her faith, she said...
"maybe I'm seeking His hands and not His face."
How true is that? That's big these days. I have heard of preachers who stress and wear out the topic of "living a life of miracles."
"If you're not walking in a life of miracles, you're not living up to your inheritance."
What? I just have to ask, what if you don't give a rip about miracles? What if that portion of your inheritance you don't care about? What if you'd rather genuinely love the outcast and feed the poor? Then are you living below your inheritance? Man, I think that anyone who has the ability to share their faith genuinely with a homeless person has gone above and beyond any "inheritance" we could possibly dream of.
Okay. Let me just say what I think about miracles. I believe God used to perform miracles, I believe God still performs miracles, and I believe God performs miracles if it's His will. It's for His glory. John Piper said it so well,
"The love of God is not to be made much of, but to make much of Him."
So basically, it doesn't matter if He rids us of our cancer or lets us walk again, or gets rid of our headaches, He can let that happen if He wants. It's His world. it's His will. Our job is to love Him and love others, not perform miracles. Anyway. I do believe that we have access to miracles and healing, etc, but it's not the point. The point of our faith is straight up worship and adoration of the Lord, and everything from our saving and spending habits to our relationships to our evangelism will be affected by and stem out of that love for the Lord.
I would personally LOVE it if I heard God audibly promise me that He'd abandon me if I ever became a "gimme" Christian. There are days when I wish He didn't love gimme Christians. but He does.
Friday, January 9, 2009
it's about love.
Starting off, I want to clarify the love I mean in the title. I don't like hippy love. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about a rhetoric word that you say to look good and get yourself a pass for respect. No, I've tried that.
I'm not even talking about love for each other much in this blog. But know that love for each other and unity that love & peace activists search for is not, essentially, all for all, or each other for each other. No. We're not here for us. Instead, it's all for One and One for all. We exist to love Jesus. To glorify God. That's our reason for existence.
Anyway.
Revelation 2:1-7 (The Message)
1 Write this to Ephesus, to the Angel of the church. The One with Seven Stars in his right-fist grip, striding through the golden seven-lights' circle, speaks: 2-3"I see what you've done, your hard, hard work, your refusal to quit. I know you can't stomach evil, that you weed out apostolic pretenders. I know your persistence, your courage in my cause, that you never wear out.
Because they have it all going, they really have their act together. They work hard, probably evangelize, but they don't have that love for Jesus.
That's so easy for us to do today.
We can perform miracles, we can preach the gospel, write all the songs (though, that's usually for worship, so) go to all the concerts, love everyone, but not love Jesus. Easy. Trust me, I know. That's so easy, but it's the easy way out. If Christianity was about superficiality, then it'd end up being a dog eat dog religion (and I say religion) with one guy ending up tired and they next surpassing him in how much God loves him.
no.
God wants our hearts. That's what He reeeeeally wants, more than anything. He doesn't want your empty words or your actions or even signs of commitment, He wants your commitment. It doesn't have to look or sound a certain way, you'll know it when you have it. And God wants it from you. I encourage you to ask God what that looks like for you. Ask God to remove what needs to be removed. And love Him.
I'm not even talking about love for each other much in this blog. But know that love for each other and unity that love & peace activists search for is not, essentially, all for all, or each other for each other. No. We're not here for us. Instead, it's all for One and One for all. We exist to love Jesus. To glorify God. That's our reason for existence.
Anyway.
Revelation 2:1-7 (The Message)
1 Write this to Ephesus, to the Angel of the church. The One with Seven Stars in his right-fist grip, striding through the golden seven-lights' circle, speaks: 2-3"I see what you've done, your hard, hard work, your refusal to quit. I know you can't stomach evil, that you weed out apostolic pretenders. I know your persistence, your courage in my cause, that you never wear out.
4-5"But you walked away from your first love—why? What's going on with you, anyway? Do you have any idea how far you've fallen? A Lucifer fall!
"Turn back! Recover your dear early love. No time to waste, for I'm well on my way to removing your light from the golden circle.
6"You do have this to your credit: You hate the Nicolaitan business. I hate it, too.
7"Are your ears awake? Listen. Listen to the Wind Words, the Spirit blowing through the churches. I'm about to call each conqueror to dinner. I'm spreading a banquet of Tree-of-Life fruit, a supper plucked from God's orchard."
Revelations chapters 2 and 3 are talking to the churches around the world about what they do and don't have going for them. For whatever reason (well, I think I do know) the one to Ephesus sticks out to me.Because they have it all going, they really have their act together. They work hard, probably evangelize, but they don't have that love for Jesus.
That's so easy for us to do today.
We can perform miracles, we can preach the gospel, write all the songs (though, that's usually for worship, so) go to all the concerts, love everyone, but not love Jesus. Easy. Trust me, I know. That's so easy, but it's the easy way out. If Christianity was about superficiality, then it'd end up being a dog eat dog religion (and I say religion) with one guy ending up tired and they next surpassing him in how much God loves him.
no.
God wants our hearts. That's what He reeeeeally wants, more than anything. He doesn't want your empty words or your actions or even signs of commitment, He wants your commitment. It doesn't have to look or sound a certain way, you'll know it when you have it. And God wants it from you. I encourage you to ask God what that looks like for you. Ask God to remove what needs to be removed. And love Him.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
a buzz of worship.
It's incredible how much God can change our hearts in one day. I woke up this morning, wanting to go to Lexington, and for whatever reason, I felt I shouldn't. At least, I wasn't at peace. But I delved deep in my quiet time this morning and fought to encounter the Lord.
The chapter I was reading in my book, "Good News For Those Trying Harder," was mostly about praise, and it was entitled, "Gazing Upon Christ." It talked about how praising God can turn your day around and how despite our circumstances we are to declare who God is and give His name glory and renown.
Anywhos, quiet time was overall good, I paraphrased Psalm 42 and that was pretty radical because it's a really personal psalm.
So I went to Lexington and used a coupon I had for 25% off any regularly priced item at Family Christian Bookstore. I figured this was the perfect time to grab some Desperation Band, since it was 16.99 bucks and after the coupon it was more like 12.74.
So I grabbed it. After dropping my brother off at home I was listening to it, and I listened to the song "Overcome." Something about that song is anointed. It's like a 12-minute song (well, the live version was, God was really moving, I can tell!) and at like 10 minutes or so it starts building up, and then Jon Egan hits what I swear is a B (way high for dudes) just saying "yeah." But that second, my spine tingled. my jaw dropped. the presence of God was INSTANTLY in my van.
As I pulled into Hastings, I felt incredible.
I felt happier, more peaceful, more ready, more on fire, everything good I felt was stronger than I had ever felt it. I felt like I WANTED to tell people about Jesus. I WANTED to scream His name at the top of my lungs. I WANTED to read the word, and bask in His presence. I wanted Him.
That's hardly the half of it though.
When I went to church tonight, my formerly spiritual archenemy who was on the good side (let's just say he...well, they [there are two] intimidated me greatly and made me feel like a bug) was there, but I started to feel something different towards them. I realized that they were hungry too, that what they felt about God was for real, that they were real people, too. That everything I was feeling is what they've been feeling. Maybe they express it differently, sure. Maybe they are a little more passionate, wiser, deeper, something. But they had Jesus. I finally saw that.
Most days when I would see these guys, I would go home a mess, tripping over my thoughts and trying to prove how wrong they were and the doctrines they believed. This time, I was satisfied. I'm seeking God, and they're seeking God. With hearts as one. unified.
Today was probably the best day of my life.
The chapter I was reading in my book, "Good News For Those Trying Harder," was mostly about praise, and it was entitled, "Gazing Upon Christ." It talked about how praising God can turn your day around and how despite our circumstances we are to declare who God is and give His name glory and renown.
Anywhos, quiet time was overall good, I paraphrased Psalm 42 and that was pretty radical because it's a really personal psalm.
So I went to Lexington and used a coupon I had for 25% off any regularly priced item at Family Christian Bookstore. I figured this was the perfect time to grab some Desperation Band, since it was 16.99 bucks and after the coupon it was more like 12.74.
So I grabbed it. After dropping my brother off at home I was listening to it, and I listened to the song "Overcome." Something about that song is anointed. It's like a 12-minute song (well, the live version was, God was really moving, I can tell!) and at like 10 minutes or so it starts building up, and then Jon Egan hits what I swear is a B (way high for dudes) just saying "yeah." But that second, my spine tingled. my jaw dropped. the presence of God was INSTANTLY in my van.
As I pulled into Hastings, I felt incredible.
I felt happier, more peaceful, more ready, more on fire, everything good I felt was stronger than I had ever felt it. I felt like I WANTED to tell people about Jesus. I WANTED to scream His name at the top of my lungs. I WANTED to read the word, and bask in His presence. I wanted Him.
That's hardly the half of it though.
When I went to church tonight, my formerly spiritual archenemy who was on the good side (let's just say he...well, they [there are two] intimidated me greatly and made me feel like a bug) was there, but I started to feel something different towards them. I realized that they were hungry too, that what they felt about God was for real, that they were real people, too. That everything I was feeling is what they've been feeling. Maybe they express it differently, sure. Maybe they are a little more passionate, wiser, deeper, something. But they had Jesus. I finally saw that.
Most days when I would see these guys, I would go home a mess, tripping over my thoughts and trying to prove how wrong they were and the doctrines they believed. This time, I was satisfied. I'm seeking God, and they're seeking God. With hearts as one. unified.
Today was probably the best day of my life.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
...
I can't believe it.
I just started work, and I already:
-hate myself
-am stressed
-feel like God's disappointed in me.
Incredible.
Last Sunday I was praying at the altar because really...I just needed to. Too many times I ignore God's call to go to the altar and pray. Anyway, beside me was a guy in tears, just crying, "We need You, God! We need more of You, God!" I wanted to be that desperate, but I wanted to be for real.
Confession: too many times, I want just enough of God to make me look good.
I feel like my defense is also my excuse.
I want to live from my heart, and to do things, say things from my heart. Some days I don't feel very spiritual and don't pray like that guy. I used to. Really.
But I don't want to fake anyone. Seriously. That is my biggest fear, I think we established that.
I just need God's help to get it together. I want to WANT to decrease so God may increase, it just seems like right where I am right now, anything I do is still done out of fear.
But I am trusting God that He'll take me here and show me the way.
"I believe in God, even when He is silent."
I just started work, and I already:
-hate myself
-am stressed
-feel like God's disappointed in me.
Incredible.
Last Sunday I was praying at the altar because really...I just needed to. Too many times I ignore God's call to go to the altar and pray. Anyway, beside me was a guy in tears, just crying, "We need You, God! We need more of You, God!" I wanted to be that desperate, but I wanted to be for real.
Confession: too many times, I want just enough of God to make me look good.
I feel like my defense is also my excuse.
I want to live from my heart, and to do things, say things from my heart. Some days I don't feel very spiritual and don't pray like that guy. I used to. Really.
But I don't want to fake anyone. Seriously. That is my biggest fear, I think we established that.
I just need God's help to get it together. I want to WANT to decrease so God may increase, it just seems like right where I am right now, anything I do is still done out of fear.
But I am trusting God that He'll take me here and show me the way.
"I believe in God, even when He is silent."
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Simplicity.
So today while I did my journaling thing, I was thinking about witnessing. And I got a little confused, you know, where you start tripping over your own thoughts.
Then I realized that I've lost sight of the character, or personality, of Jesus Christ.
I wanted to ask the question, "who is Jesus?"
Then a red flag popped up.
John 10:14
14"I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me—
If we can't tell what Jesus is like, or who Jesus is, something is majorly wrong.
Jesus doesn't hide His personality from us, He gave us His word to help us know Him better. Isn't that awesome? He could hide His identity from us, make us think He's someone He's not, and just reveal Himself to a chosen few.
But He doesn't! He wants us to know Him! sweet.
Thanks, Lord!!
Then I realized that I've lost sight of the character, or personality, of Jesus Christ.
I wanted to ask the question, "who is Jesus?"
Then a red flag popped up.
John 10:14
14"I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me—
If we can't tell what Jesus is like, or who Jesus is, something is majorly wrong.
Jesus doesn't hide His personality from us, He gave us His word to help us know Him better. Isn't that awesome? He could hide His identity from us, make us think He's someone He's not, and just reveal Himself to a chosen few.
But He doesn't! He wants us to know Him! sweet.
Thanks, Lord!!
Thursday, January 1, 2009
What is the gospel?
I'm getting ready to start working again, I'm going to the same company but a different location. When I was there last time, I'm not sure if anyone could have told that I was a Christian. I feel like I looked like the rest of them, and I felt like a loser. I tend to blame my old job on everything, on my emptiness, loss of personal identity and interest, everything. I never walk into that building and feel like the man I am, much less the Christian I am. After a long session of reading and prayer tonight, I felt like God was gently saying,
"let's talk about this work situation. let Me show you how you feel."
let's just say there was more hate and bitterness, fear and anger in my heart than I had ever dared to imagine. I thought of my former co-workers as losers, hopeless, and if they ever came to know God, I wouldn't even be happy for them. I really don't want that.
But that's only half the story.
I've been scared to death, ever since the whole first-job fisaco, of failing God. Of being lukewarm, not doing what I should, not impacting anyone, and just looking like the world.
I'm scared of getting it wrong, of being too evangelical or worse yet, being so set on connecting with people that I'm not as concerned with showing people the hope of Jesus Christ.
So that lead me to a question:
What is the gospel?
Is the gospel a story that really came true but all its for is for getting our sins forgiven?
Contrary.
The gospel is an invitation. It's an invitation into a deeper life, a relationship with the Lord God Almighty. an invitation to, by the grace of God and the blood of Jesus, walk with Him and let Him guide your steps.
It is an invitation to something beautiful, something unfathomably wonderful, something extravagant, and something abundant.
That's the gospel.
That's why we evangelize.
"let's talk about this work situation. let Me show you how you feel."
let's just say there was more hate and bitterness, fear and anger in my heart than I had ever dared to imagine. I thought of my former co-workers as losers, hopeless, and if they ever came to know God, I wouldn't even be happy for them. I really don't want that.
But that's only half the story.
I've been scared to death, ever since the whole first-job fisaco, of failing God. Of being lukewarm, not doing what I should, not impacting anyone, and just looking like the world.
I'm scared of getting it wrong, of being too evangelical or worse yet, being so set on connecting with people that I'm not as concerned with showing people the hope of Jesus Christ.
So that lead me to a question:
What is the gospel?
Is the gospel a story that really came true but all its for is for getting our sins forgiven?
Contrary.
The gospel is an invitation. It's an invitation into a deeper life, a relationship with the Lord God Almighty. an invitation to, by the grace of God and the blood of Jesus, walk with Him and let Him guide your steps.
It is an invitation to something beautiful, something unfathomably wonderful, something extravagant, and something abundant.
That's the gospel.
That's why we evangelize.
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