I'm kind of in a daze as we speak, I just took a nap and I don't do well after naps. It's weird to get up right before I usually go to bed. or at least close. So I'm trying to make this make sense, but forgive me if it doesn't.
It feels like I'm moving into a new season in my walk with God and the transition is really rough. As John Eldredge describes it, God is having to thwart my false self, my plan for salvation, my defense mechanism from pain. I never realized how I had really set up the false self as a defense from pain. I hid in my pleasure, doing what I do, and just losing myself in the evenings to books, my journal, and my movies. I must admit, the pleasure I got from it is heavy, I truly enjoy sitting and watching a movie and journaling, but I think I was more satisfied in the things than in the God giving me the rest.
The other day I really felt God's love in a way I haven't since I was saved. I felt genuinely loved, that He knows all of my struggles and He still loves me despite my doubt and my fear. Like Jesus was beckoning me back to the cross to experience His love in a deeper way.
The thing about feeling God's love is...it seems like I either feel God's love and am oblivious to problems, or I'm feeling problems and can't sense God's love there.
Like, I know where I have come from and what I've been through, but it's like it never happened. I know it didn't, in God's eyes, because Jesus has forgiven me. But I want to be the kind of man who feels the pain of lonliness, who feels the pain of rejection, who understands the pull to different temptations, but through it all understands God's power to change a life. all I can say is that I want to feel, because people need to know that God's people are people, too. They're not people with a halo who have achieved a level of holiness, no, but they are redeemed from a dead past.
Sometimes I think that the reason I have a hard time trusting God sometimes is because of His people. There is a short supply of compassion these days, and I don't want to be counted in the number of those who are missing it. the Bible talks about sharing one anothers burdens, and I want to help bear the burdens of the poor, the lonely, the broken...because Jesus would. And then I know my faith is genuine, because genuine faith always results in doing what Jesus would do.
So my prayer right now is for a genuine, sensitive faith and firm belief that God can do ANYTHING in ANYONE'S life, regardless. I want to share the world's pain, and God's heart for them.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
phases.
over the past few days I've watched a few movies and been disappointed in them. I watched Inside Man, Taken, The Four Feathers, and Fight Club, and couldn't get into any of them. I'm not sure if I'm coming out of my movie phase, or what.
I go through phases, like for a while I'll listen to tons of music and buy CDs, then get rid of them. then I'll do books (though I haven't gotten rid of many books, I have yet to finish them :P ) then movies and so on. I really enjoy movies with rich plots and good acting and stuff but here lately can't seem to get into any. Maybe I need to lay movies down before God for a while.
Now I just want to talk.
I'm in that place again right now where my heart is overwhelmed, overwhelmed with God's goodness and my weakness. It's so polar but magnetic...because in my weakness God's power is shown and He is glorified.
I so hate talking like a pastor or theologian. Like, even what I just said, though it is true, is hard for me to say because it's so easy for someone who is struggling to hear that and become discouraged because they just don't get it.
I am listening to Desperation Band, I just listened to Overcome, and it makes me think.
Worship in heaven is about declaration. The angels singing, 'holy, holy, holy!' and just declaring who God is. Desperation Band is the closest thing I've ever heard to heavenly worship. I feel so comforted by God's presence when listening to them. But anyway. It's okay.
I was thinking about heaven on Sunday, and thinking about how finite we are....
like, the Bible can mean so many different things to so many different people, one verse impacts one person and another can impact someone else. some verses mean little to nothing to some, while they mean everything to another. People connect differently. People encounter the Almighty God differently.
I hear some preachers talk about walking under open heaven and all this blah blah blah and as much as I know Jesus told us to ask for God to put heaven on earth I don't think He meant the deeds as much as the heart, the worship, the complete adoration. I dunno. But all I know is I have no idea what to expect when I get to heaven and I really don't want to.
I go through phases, like for a while I'll listen to tons of music and buy CDs, then get rid of them. then I'll do books (though I haven't gotten rid of many books, I have yet to finish them :P ) then movies and so on. I really enjoy movies with rich plots and good acting and stuff but here lately can't seem to get into any. Maybe I need to lay movies down before God for a while.
Now I just want to talk.
I'm in that place again right now where my heart is overwhelmed, overwhelmed with God's goodness and my weakness. It's so polar but magnetic...because in my weakness God's power is shown and He is glorified.
I so hate talking like a pastor or theologian. Like, even what I just said, though it is true, is hard for me to say because it's so easy for someone who is struggling to hear that and become discouraged because they just don't get it.
I am listening to Desperation Band, I just listened to Overcome, and it makes me think.
Worship in heaven is about declaration. The angels singing, 'holy, holy, holy!' and just declaring who God is. Desperation Band is the closest thing I've ever heard to heavenly worship. I feel so comforted by God's presence when listening to them. But anyway. It's okay.
I was thinking about heaven on Sunday, and thinking about how finite we are....
like, the Bible can mean so many different things to so many different people, one verse impacts one person and another can impact someone else. some verses mean little to nothing to some, while they mean everything to another. People connect differently. People encounter the Almighty God differently.
I hear some preachers talk about walking under open heaven and all this blah blah blah and as much as I know Jesus told us to ask for God to put heaven on earth I don't think He meant the deeds as much as the heart, the worship, the complete adoration. I dunno. But all I know is I have no idea what to expect when I get to heaven and I really don't want to.
Friday, February 6, 2009
through it all I know, You are God alone.
Well, all I can say is wow.
I have been through such a pile of crap over the past, I don't even know how long. I used to think I'd always refer to the past six months, then year, now year and a half...but I'm starting to think I won't be back to normal, which is a WONDERFUL thing. Let me explain:
2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (MSG)
7-10Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.
I used to be discouraged by this verse. Really. I used to think it meant something like:
I'll never get it together for Christ, and He's gonna say His grace is enough to make me feel better, but He's really pretty upset I'll never get it together.
But I think it's actually God's plan for us NOT to have it all together, figured out. Read Genesis 11 if you want to see an example of this. He does it to show His sovereignty. He confuses the language of Babel, where people were trying to build this huge tower and live there forever. God Himself says, "If they go through with this, they'll be able to do anything, and not acknowledge Me. I'll go confuse them."
At first glance, this probably looks like pride on God's part. He's probably thinking, "Oh, no! I might lose control! I'm gonna go the coward's way out so they can't do this without Me. HA!" No, I believe His intentions were greater.
Humans were never meant to live off ourselves. We're meant to live off of God, and His Word. So He did it so they could really lead a better life. That's my opinion, I'm no Bible expert, Lord knows.
The point is, we're not meant to live off of ourselves. We're not even intended to evangelize, or worship, in our own strength. In the book Facedown, I read a well-stated fact that worship itself is in the Holy Spirit. God receives worship through His Son, who gives us grace to worship.
God gives us these imperfections, these faults for His glory. Maybe its a lack of understanding. Maybe it's timidity. I don't know...but ask God to show you your imperfections and how they can be used for His glory. How can He be glorified in you?
See, I went through this whole phase I went through (I'm sorry I beat this horse to death...) for God's glory, I truly believe. I didn't try to get into it, I didn't think I'd get into it, I just kind of went into autopilot, and ended up in a hole. There have been several times when I look back at the Christian I was, and I probably would have ended up down a miserable road of people who would point to themselves into Jesus for the answer to life. I thank God for that wound. I really do. His grace IS enough.
I have been through such a pile of crap over the past, I don't even know how long. I used to think I'd always refer to the past six months, then year, now year and a half...but I'm starting to think I won't be back to normal, which is a WONDERFUL thing. Let me explain:
2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (MSG)
7-10Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.
I used to be discouraged by this verse. Really. I used to think it meant something like:
I'll never get it together for Christ, and He's gonna say His grace is enough to make me feel better, but He's really pretty upset I'll never get it together.
But I think it's actually God's plan for us NOT to have it all together, figured out. Read Genesis 11 if you want to see an example of this. He does it to show His sovereignty. He confuses the language of Babel, where people were trying to build this huge tower and live there forever. God Himself says, "If they go through with this, they'll be able to do anything, and not acknowledge Me. I'll go confuse them."
At first glance, this probably looks like pride on God's part. He's probably thinking, "Oh, no! I might lose control! I'm gonna go the coward's way out so they can't do this without Me. HA!" No, I believe His intentions were greater.
Humans were never meant to live off ourselves. We're meant to live off of God, and His Word. So He did it so they could really lead a better life. That's my opinion, I'm no Bible expert, Lord knows.
The point is, we're not meant to live off of ourselves. We're not even intended to evangelize, or worship, in our own strength. In the book Facedown, I read a well-stated fact that worship itself is in the Holy Spirit. God receives worship through His Son, who gives us grace to worship.
God gives us these imperfections, these faults for His glory. Maybe its a lack of understanding. Maybe it's timidity. I don't know...but ask God to show you your imperfections and how they can be used for His glory. How can He be glorified in you?
See, I went through this whole phase I went through (I'm sorry I beat this horse to death...) for God's glory, I truly believe. I didn't try to get into it, I didn't think I'd get into it, I just kind of went into autopilot, and ended up in a hole. There have been several times when I look back at the Christian I was, and I probably would have ended up down a miserable road of people who would point to themselves into Jesus for the answer to life. I thank God for that wound. I really do. His grace IS enough.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Childlike Faith Part II--my own story.
Well, I can't say I'm completely at the point of childlike faith, even though I want to be there desperately, it would save me all kinds of pain and confusion.
Yesterday I was reading Every Young Man's Battle and was shocked by the blatant honesty, and the involvement of God through these trials. It put my relationship with the Lord in perspective.
You see, I think that naturally we expect ourselves to have to work our way "back," to get to a point where we can grow in our walk with Christ. So really, I was putting a burden on myself of adult faith. But where in the Bible does it call us grown-ups of God?
We are consistently called children and friends, not acquaintances or partners or affiliates. We are personally connected, as God's kids and His friends, His buddies.
(Deut 14:1, John 1:12, Romans 8:16, Ephesians 5:1, Philippians 2:15, 1 John 3:1-3.)
Yesterday, I was reading that book when I felt like Jesus was sitting right there beside me asking, "When are you going to let this charade go? How long are you going to hold on to your need for control? I understand your worry and your fear, but I am good and I will not let you down."
I have pondered that question since then, wanting desperately to let go but still having trouble with trust. But God will help me overcome.
Yesterday I was reading Every Young Man's Battle and was shocked by the blatant honesty, and the involvement of God through these trials. It put my relationship with the Lord in perspective.
You see, I think that naturally we expect ourselves to have to work our way "back," to get to a point where we can grow in our walk with Christ. So really, I was putting a burden on myself of adult faith. But where in the Bible does it call us grown-ups of God?
We are consistently called children and friends, not acquaintances or partners or affiliates. We are personally connected, as God's kids and His friends, His buddies.
(Deut 14:1, John 1:12, Romans 8:16, Ephesians 5:1, Philippians 2:15, 1 John 3:1-3.)
Yesterday, I was reading that book when I felt like Jesus was sitting right there beside me asking, "When are you going to let this charade go? How long are you going to hold on to your need for control? I understand your worry and your fear, but I am good and I will not let you down."
I have pondered that question since then, wanting desperately to let go but still having trouble with trust. But God will help me overcome.
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