...

I can't believe it.

I just started work, and I already:
-hate myself
-am stressed
-feel like God's disappointed in me.

Incredible.

Last Sunday I was praying at the altar because really...I just needed to. Too many times I ignore God's call to go to the altar and pray. Anyway, beside me was a guy in tears, just crying, "We need You, God! We need more of You, God!" I wanted to be that desperate, but I wanted to be for real.

Confession: too many times, I want just enough of God to make me look good.

I feel like my defense is also my excuse.

I want to live from my heart, and to do things, say things from my heart. Some days I don't feel very spiritual and don't pray like that guy. I used to. Really.

But I don't want to fake anyone. Seriously. That is my biggest fear, I think we established that.

I just need God's help to get it together. I want to WANT to decrease so God may increase, it just seems like right where I am right now, anything I do is still done out of fear.

But I am trusting God that He'll take me here and show me the way.

"I believe in God, even when He is silent."